Category Archives: Uncategorized

Great Balls Of Nutri-fire X

I surrender. I’ve been talking a lot of crap about Florida and apparently made it mad. Now the trees are after me.

Just ask the one that came into our bedroom last month.

I suppose it’s my fault for burning a pile of them, but I thought I paid my karma debt instantly by setting my legs on fire in the process. Guess not. Maybe karma felt it did me a favor when removing all that grotesque hair and skin I’ve been carrying around on my calves.

Not to mention, I’m so much lighter and faster now. You’d be amazed at how quickly, despite almost no exercise, one can emerge from a ball of fire. I’m thinking about turning it into a whole new training program. Not for me, but to sell to other people.

Here’s what I envision:

Since I’ve already done it, I’ll just throw all the gas on the brush, then view the rest from a safe distance.

On my way to my trainer’s viewing spot, I’ll hand you a mini Bic.

You go stand in it and light it on fire.

_______________________________________

Now, I personally guarantee this will melt away  the pounds and it only takes seconds a day.

For me, I just got it on the calves because I’m like a cat when consumed by fire. Your results might be different.*

Like most great inventions, I’ll admit, this was a total accident. It’s not like I set out to find the secret to weight loss, prolonged agility and mental acuity in one stroke of genius, but that’s how genius works sometimes.

And ladies, tired of fumbling around with those silly razors, lasers, and chemical hair removers? Get all that grooming done while you exercise!

I need a logo. And a name. FireX. The Fireball System. Great Balls Of Fire?

I don’t know. I’ll work on it. NutriFire?

You get the idea. I feel like I’ve done a good job selling it so there’s just the matter of my fee and I’ll send you the kit (booklet on how to make kit because I don’t think I can send trees, gas and a lighter through the mail so this is the booklet).

Weight loss systems like this can go for as much as 4 million dollars, but the Great Balls of Nutrifire X costs only a fraction of that! (3/4 to be exact.)

But wait, there’s more. When payment is received, I’ll double your order at no additional charge! That means you can read the above booklet again and it costs zilch.

*Setting yourself on fire is a horrible idea. Risks include burning, dying… I think that’s it. You should absolutely not set yourself on fire. Do not try this at home. I am a trained professional (I am absolutely not).

Now that we’ve got all that lawyery stuff out of the way, let’s get on the path to wellness together!

For me, the timing is just right because this is my favorite season. The leaves are changing, the sun gets less hot for some science reason I once knew but don’t care about, the bugs die or something (also don’t care) and I stop complaining about how hot I am. Miracles of nature are blossoming everywhere. And there’s no better place to enjoy them than at The Dip.

In fact, October is loaded with activities, all leading up to… wait for it… The Halloween Party!! Yep. It’s all right here in the calendar of events.

So if you thought the summer fun was over, you were right, but only because it’s been replaced by different fun. So there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PSA From Guy In Florida: Don’t Come

This time each year (or thereabouts) I write something I like to call my “Florida will kill you” series. Normally these stories are centered around snakes, alligators, sharks, people…

But today, my friends, is different. Let me be clear. All of the things listed above will kill you. But more and more I’m seeing in the news a flesh-eating bacteria known as necrotizing fasciitis. 

Essentially, this bacteria is thriving in the warm waters of Florida and if it enters any open wound (even a needle hole) it can kill you within days.

So if you’re unfamiliar with my “Oh my God Florida is trying to murder me” series (I don’t really have a name for it but as you can see I’m working on it), after I explain the horrible dangers that await you, I then tell you go to Serendipity Park. In this case, where the water won’t literally eat your body.

Doesn’t that sound nice? I think so, too.

Not only will your flesh and organs not be consumed due to a normal activity like swimming, there’s a ton of other stuff to do! Non-getting eaten by a horrible disease water volleyball, relaxing by the pool with no death in it, taking a leisurely walk in the cool mountain creek without those pesky fears of emergency amputation don’t begin to list the not death defying fun.

Now I’ll tell you what’s going on in my life down in FL. I haven’t been outside in months. I killed a mosquito the other day and it looked like a murder scene. There’s a Discovery series about guys who catch pythons in the Everglades. A. Whole. Series. Great whites are being regularly videotaped here in the Gulf and Atlantic. Yay! The biggest, scariest sharks are here now! I have alligators in my backyard. It’s supposed to rain until December or something. And as I’ve mentioned a couple times, the sea has decided it likes humanfood. You see what I’m saying? Do. Not. Come. To. Florida. Geez.

You might ask, “Well if it’s so bad, why are you there?” That’s easy. I’m mentally unstable and that’s what the handbook said to do. (I made a handbook.) Hopefully that answers your question.

 

 

Getting So Impatient

So I read the other day that Mercury is in retrograde and directly impacts my sign. Ever since, nothing is going right. I feel between Mercury being in retrograde and me knowing it, there’s no chance I’m okay.

I don’t even know what Mercury being in retrograde means, except my understanding that it turns normally sane humans into a-holes. Myself included.

For example, I’m just mad. I spent the 4th weekend sick instead of sliding on the giant water slide at the Dip. Did you do it? Don’t tell me. It will just make… Forget it. My head hurts. So mad at you. Make yourself useful. Fix Mercury.

I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to sound impatient. I’ll wait.

It’s not feeling fixed to me. Did you even do anything? Doesn’t seem so. Whatever. I’ll do it. No! I got it. Really. You just sit there and keep reading. It’s fine. I said I’ll do it.

See? It’s awful. I’m so sorry. It’s like I’m lashing out at everyone for no reason. Well, not everyone. I know I said “everyone” but it’s just a figure of speech. I’m not being literal. When I say “everyone” I obviously don’t mean everyone. That would be impossible. I mean, I’ll try if you really need my statement to be 100% accurate. Do you? Is that what you want from me? Fine. Right after I do YOUR job and fix Mercury. Be right back! (Slams door)

(Meekly steps back in) Okay, I admit that was a difficult task. I couldn’t even find it, much less figure out how to futuregrade it. I think that’s how you fix a retrograde. I’ll YouTube it. Why couldn’t you do that? See what I’m saying? Effort. Help me, help you (to help me).

Okay good work today. I feel like we made progress. Sorry for all that stuff I said about Mercury being your fault. I still feel like you could work a little harder at it, but I’m not here to judge. That would be wrong.

Anyone feeling like a little vacation? I know I am. Perhaps a little working vacation. I know this little place in the North Georgia mountains that’s far away from the obtrusive glow of the city lights. At night, it seems you can see the entire universe. Shooting stars and even satellites dance across the most amazing celestial backdrop. I’ve never seen a sky like it.

In that seemingly eternal darkness, you’ll find Mercury. Please fix it right this time.

When completed (after authorization from me) you can enjoy the plethora of activities that await you. After Mercury is fixed. That part is important. Stuart knows a ton of astronomy stuff. He can point you in the right direction.

 

 

 

Ahhh Yeahhhh…

Sometimes there are few words to describe when naked season comes along. You choose your own, but I like, “Ahhhh Yeahhh…” said in a real deep voice. I can do it because I have a deep voice. If you don’t, stop it. Pick new words. I suggest, “Yay!” (Whatever. I’m not going to tell you what to do. Not for free, anyway.)

You know what? I’m feeling generous today. I’m going to give you some top-notch advice at an unbelievable, one-time, new customer discount. We’re talking a $10,000 savings over the regular price! I’m giving you 10k right now. That’s what’s happening. I feel like I’ve gone completely insane. Okay here it goes. I can’t believe I’m doing this.

I’m sorry. I can’t do it. Wait. No. Okay. I said I would. Ugh.

Go to Serendipity and have the best time of your life.  — Jedi hand wave —

(Damn. That hurt. I’m not going to lie. Probably sending you a bill, and you should just pay it. — Jedi hand wave–)

We were recently fortunate enough to get up to Serendipity for a few days and, as usual, it was just a wonderful time. The experience echoes some of the very first words I read by Stuart (which I’ll summarize because I’m too lazy to look) that the relaxation a couple days of Serendipity-style vacationing is equal to the relaxation of a couple weeks elsewhere. And it’s just true.

As soon as the clothes come off, the winding down period typically required to get into vacation mode is instant. You’re not thinking about work, or your problems, or how you’re going to pack the most into whatever tourist destination you’ve chosen to visit… You just are what you are, and it’s indescribably liberating. If you haven’t experienced this, you’re robbing yourself of quite the time. So go already. — Jedi hand wave —

The park looks excellent. Jeff Hannah is doing a fantastic job (as is everyone) and it’s clear all are invested in improving every facet of the experience.

Get ready, folks. It’s going to be one hell of a summer! Memorial Day is coming!! Deep voicers! Let’s here an Ahhhhh Yeahhhh….

High voicers! Let’s here a “Yay!”

If you’re not sure which sounds better because your voice is on the cusp, throw your hands in the air in silence!

Everybody together!

That was perfect. You guys were great. See you at The Dip!!

 

 

Happy New Year!

I apologize for beginning almost every post with an apology, but I’ve simply not been able to sit and put together a cohesive thought for(ever) months. I can go into details, but they’re pretty boring. The ones I make up  on the fly are so much better. Watch this:

I fought a bear the other day. A talking bear. With a magic staff that shoots lasers. And I’m thinking, “Man, isn’t it tough enough that I’m fighting a bear? I have to disarm it, too? Whatever.” So that’s what I did. He’s lucky he could talk. Otherwise, no mercy. New cub on the way… Okay. I get it. The irony is it’s his mouth that got him out of the same trouble it got him into. No one calls me that. The magic staff stays with me, bear. Now shoo!

Oh. Happy New Year! Can you believe it’s 2019 already? Can you believe how many times you’ve heard, “Can you believe it’s 2019 already?”

How I handle this question:

Person: Can you believe it’s 2019 already?

Me: Yes.

Then I start backing away slowly, doing that thing where I point at my eyes, point at them and whisper, I’m watching you. It kills at parties. Probably. I really only do it in one-on-one situations when no one else is around. Might be funnier if other people were there. I don’t know. I think it’s funny. And when you get right down to it, isn’t that really what matters most? I think so.

So I’m locked out of Facebook, but I still get notifications in my email about recent happenings at the park and see a wealth of people chattering about how great the holidays were at the Dip. As usual. And sure, it’s cold, but that doesn’t stop the fun.

In fact, the winter events are some of the best in the entire season. And there’s fire, a big hot tub, a sauna… Comfy warmth in all sorts of places is readily available, along with the other benefits associated with being there (which are many).

I would like to jump on FB and talk to people about it, but I can’t. Whenever I try to recover my account, I have to confirm my own identity by correctly identifying the profile pictures of my friends.

The problem is it’s been so long since I’ve been on FB AND MANY OF THESE PEOPLE I’VE NEVER PHYSICALLY MET. And they’ve changed their profile photo a million times since I last participated. AND some of them aren’t even pictures of people. Example:

FB: Whose car is this?

Me: I don’t know.

FB: Ok, This flower represents one of 500 random people. What’s his/her name?

Me: I don’t know. I’m starting to hate you again.

FB: Sorry about that. One more. Who is this minotaur?

Me: I’m going now. Please add a middle finger button. Thanks!

So I give up. It’s not like needing a driver’s license (yet). I’ll deal with it when it becomes so. Stupid FB.

Anywho, if we run into one another, it will be here or at the park. Facebook is dead to me.

With that, here is the calendar of events which is absolutely packed. If you’re looking for the perfect getaway and get a break from the winter doldrums, I can’t think of a better place to go.

Let It Begin

 

Right about now (and for the last several weeks), the crew is in preparation for what is always, without fail, a smash hit. The mad scientist (Stuart) is burning the candle at both ends, often locking himself away in his activities laboratory, vigorously concocting mad fun for all ages.

Are you ready for Summer 2018? Memorial Day weekend is upon us. Let it begin.

Several years ago we were in the running for a reality show at Serendipity Park. Stuart and I were recalling it the other day and for old times sake, watched what they call the “sizzle reel.”

The “sizzle reel” is what production companies use to get interest from networks and hopefully strike a deal. In our case, it was pretty close but not to be. In retrospect, I think that’s a great thing.

I hadn’t seen the video since shortly after it was made and when I watched it, I realized how special this place is and was reminded of the important role it played in my life. More than that, I realized that a show just might have ruined what is so special about it.

Tucked away in the mountains of Georgia is this little paradise where you can be even more free than you can in the most freedomy place in the world. For many that come here, it’s their little slice of heaven. An escape. A place to come truly be themselves with others who feel the exact same way. It’s as much about camaraderie as anything else.

Many reading this know what I’m talking about. Those who don’t have yet to visit. Is that you? Stop it. Stop doing that thing where you’re not coming here.

Wait. I didn’t mean to get all pointy and tell you what to do. I think we first need to identify what’s wrong with you. (I’ve been working on conflict resolution and how to better communicate with people. Watch this.)

So clearly you’re broken. It’s okay. We’re going to get you all fixed up. You’re probably one of those, “I’m right about everything” bla bla bla types, so we need to kick that out of you. When you all realize that I’m actually the one who’s always right, your delusion will crash and you’ll jump on the path of my choosing. (Don’t resist this. I, too, finally had to succumb to me and my rightness. It’s better if you don’t fight it. Trust me.)

See? Resolution 101. Boom. Now that we’re on the same page, go check out this page to get all the information you need to go. I’m sorry I had to single you out, but all the people that go to Serendipity already know I’m right. They didn’t have to go through that exercise (again.)

Anyway, I’m sure you feel better. I know I do. Next we’ll get into the “bringing me food” portion of your training.

 

Dust Off That Bucket List

So I’m watching the news and decide to change it because, as is always the case on the news, the world is ending. This disrupts all my plans for the day and I don’t want to hear it right now.

I then randomly hit some buttons and landed on CSPAN2. Huh? For when you can’t pack in all the excitement on CSPAN? Well, we are in interesting times.

So what are they talking about? Killer robots. Killer. Robots.

Back in my earlier blog days, I said this day was coming, but I didn’t mean it! Holy cow! It was just some jokes, people! I like movies! Stop it with the whole killer robot thing already!

I hope Will Smith and the boys are on this. And that John Connor hasn’t been eliminated by a Terminator sent from the future. (If I were a robot, I’d send one back every day. “Send this one to 1984, February 13th at 6:54 a.m., then send another one a minute after. And a minute before. You know what? Let’s send one every minute. Can we send 8? Let’s do that.” Ugh.)

Remember that bucket list? Get. On. It.

Here’s where I’m at with it. I don’t like taking out the trash, so I doubt I’m going to be much help. When the fast food restaurants close, I’ll be dead shortly after. (I wouldn’t advise eating me. There can be no nutritional value in what’s left.)

If you want to fight it out, get yourself an EMP and some big magnets. Guns only make them angry and heighten your threat level. Leave me out of it. If I can, I’m going to make a deal with them and turn on you. I’m telling you that because we’re friends.

But forget all that. We’re not there yet. I don’t think. Whatever. My point is, run around naked in the sun while it’s still shining! We’re going to have to take it out when the machines convert to solar power. Unless we decide to not become batteries.

I’m on the fence about that. It doesn’t sound a lot different from what I do now and I won’t even have to feed myself. Again, this all comes down to the deal I’m able to make when I turn on you. Until then, keep me informed on the location of the rebel base. I’m cool.

In all seriousness, remember that bucket list?

If you’re not alarmed, it’s just because you haven’t learned that something is an emergency when I become aware of it and notify you. Then you’re supposed to get on board and do what I want, which is go to Serendipity and enjoy yourself now before you’re kindly asked by piece of metal to get onto a bus for relocation to a “safer place.”

I’ll be like, “Yes, sir. By the way, I have some info on that guy over there you’ll want to know.” Then I’ll nod in your direction. Just play along and nod back. I got you.