Dust Off That Bucket List

So I’m watching the news and decide to change it because, as is always the case on the news, the world is ending. This disrupts all my plans for the day and I don’t want to hear it right now.

I then randomly hit some buttons and landed on CSPAN2. Huh? For when you can’t pack in all the excitement on CSPAN? Well, we are in interesting times.

So what are they talking about? Killer robots. Killer. Robots.

Back in my earlier blog days, I said this day was coming, but I didn’t mean it! Holy cow! It was just some jokes, people! I like movies! Stop it with the whole killer robot thing already!

I hope Will Smith and the boys are on this. And that John Connor hasn’t been eliminated by a Terminator sent from the future. (If I were a robot, I’d send one back every day. “Send this one to 1984, February 13th at 6:54 a.m., then send another one a minute after. And a minute before. You know what? Let’s send one every minute. Can we send 8? Let’s do that.” Ugh.)

Remember that bucket list? Get. On. It.

Here’s where I’m at with it. I don’t like taking out the trash, so I doubt I’m going to be much help. When the fast food restaurants close, I’ll be dead shortly after. (I wouldn’t advise eating me. There can be no nutritional value in what’s left.)

If you want to fight it out, get yourself an EMP and some big magnets. Guns only make them angry and heighten your threat level. Leave me out of it. If I can, I’m going to make a deal with them and turn on you. I’m telling you that because we’re friends.

But forget all that. We’re not there yet. I don’t think. Whatever. My point is, run around naked in the sun while it’s still shining! We’re going to have to take it out when the machines convert to solar power. Unless we decide to not become batteries.

I’m on the fence about that. It doesn’t sound a lot different from what I do now and I won’t even have to feed myself. Again, this all comes down to the deal I’m able to make when I turn on you. Until then, keep me informed on the location of the rebel base. I’m cool.

In all seriousness, remember that bucket list?

If you’re not alarmed, it’s just because you haven’t learned that something is an emergency when I become aware of it and notify you. Then you’re supposed to get on board and do what I want, which is go to Serendipity and enjoy yourself now before you’re kindly asked by piece of metal to get onto a bus for relocation to a “safer place.”

I’ll be like, “Yes, sir. By the way, I have some info on that guy over there you’ll want to know.” Then I’ll nod in your direction. Just play along and nod back. I got you.

 

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Science Doesn’t Lie

February gave us a week-long preview of what will shortly be the norm, but right now it’s cold and I hate it. I can’t even fully extend my bird finger.  And since I’m currently in Florida, that means I can’t drive anywhere.

But with the approaching spring, my sites will soon be set on the Dip where I plan to spend some time. You see, I’ve been on a long, hellish work project for the last year and a half which has allowed very little free time. It could also be the reason my bird finger isn’t working so well these days. Overuse can really strain the body parts at my age.

Speaking of which, I woke up a couple of weeks ago and couldn’t read my phone. I thought to myself, “Boy, my eyes are sleepy today.” Then I wondered why everyone was writing in bar codes. Then I put glasses on and gave the universe the bird.

So now I have these damn glasses to carry everywhere. I’ve purchased and lost about 87 pairs. Of course, there is one pair I’ve been able to hold onto since the beginning and it looks like they spent a week on I-75. All twisted, scratched and mangled. I’m wearing them right now.

And you know those little clear plastic pieces that cover the sharp metal bits that stick into your nose? Those are gone. So I get to see, but I have to stab my face.

I just wanted you to know my sacrifice to bring you these words. I could be watching television. I can still see that without wrapping my face in jagged metal.

Speaking of TV, I really like it. My favorite part is how I get to sit there and do nothing while being entertained. Fabulous invention.

Speaking of sitting there and doing nothing, naked poolside sunning is also great for that. And guess what? We are only days away from this reality, as the cold is on its way out (with my bird chasing it) and the warm weather will be here to stay (unbirded by me for the duration of its visit).

But seriously. If you’ve never been to Serendipity Park (or any nudist park) and are thinking about visiting one for the first time, I don’t think it’s possible to find a better place to dip your toe into the pool. There’s a reason Serendipity members are now a 7 time recipient of AANR’s national award for outstanding friendliness. And it’s just so true.

At Serendipity Park, you won’t only find a a unique, relaxing, satisfying (possibly thrilling) experience, but you’ll find friends. Real friends.

If you haven’t yet visited the site to learn more about the park, you can do so here.

If you have visited the site, are reading this post and haven’t yet visited the park, come on, already! Science has already proven that people who listen to me are happier. *

 

*”Science” is the name of my hamster, but he’s really, really smart.

 

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas! A Special Gift From Me To You.

It’s kind of hard to describe my life for the last few months, so I’m not going to. I despise things that are hard to do. Even kind of hard things, which are essentially half easy. And if I choose to look at it that way, I still don’t want to do it. (Sometimes I try Jedi mind tricks on myself, too. I think I’m immune. But I can move spaceships with my mind. Bring me one and I’ll show you. Preferably an X-wing fighter. Otherwise no guarantees.)

So what are you doing for Christmas? I’ll be having the flu. Just kicked it off today. I’m very, very excited. I’m hoping it will be as good as the one I had at Thanksgiving, which I only made it through because no one would honor my request to hit me with a hammer. If someone had, I wouldn’t be getting sick again OR having to Christmas shop. That’s some BS right there. Whatever.

I really don’t get it. I do all the right things. I eat, sleep, don’t drink water (or “bacteria accelerant” as I like to call it) and attack any foreign viral agents with a steady stream of nicotine and carbon monoxide. What can live through that? Certainly not me. I’m the most inhospitable host ever. I’d hate to be inside me. Just ask my kidneys. They’ll tell you.

All I’m saying is that I apply the science. Exercise is just mileage, people. I’ve only got so many items left in my life I can pick up. I refuse to waste those lifts on things I don’t need to carry somewhere.

Think about it. You and I might be in the woods and you break your leg. What if I can’t carry you home because I threw away all my lifts in the gym? I’m doing this for you. With that, Merry Christmas. (Boom. I just got something for everyone. Christmas shopping done.)

As a banner year at The Dip comes to a close, the promise of a great 2018 comes with it. Of course, the always epic New Year’s Eve party is almost here and followed by the always memorable bubble spa party. The fun never stops at Serendipity Park.

Click here for the Calendar if Events

I truly hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and the best 2018 ever!

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Mom! (But They Don’t Want You To Be Happy.)

Some kids make macaroni art. I make sentences. Happy Birthday, Mom!

That’s right. And what did she get? Well, she got that sentence above AND her power came back on yesterday! Nothing says I love you like A/C in Florida.

Serendipity was also hit by crushing winds and power outages, but as usual, the crew, residents and guests came together to make the best of it. That’s just the Serendipity way. I’d rather be there without power than most places with power.

For example, yesterday I was at the Department of Driver Services. Full of power. Lights everywhere. Sucked.

I got there 15 minutes before it opened, and fortunately, only one other person was there. And by the time it opened, 20 people were lined up behind me. I kind of felt sorry for them. (Because I kept mocking them for being late. “Early bird gets the worm!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”  The guy in front of me was much more gracious, so I didn’t have to hear his b.s. I can’t stand a gloater.)

But alas, the excruciating 18 minutes I had to stand at the desk is over and I can go back to… to… Whatever I feel like doing when I feel like doing it, which isn’t a lot, but enough to keep me from doing things I don’t want to do. Life can be pretty exhausting.

For those who view me as irresponsible, lazy and undisciplined, I say to you, “You are very observant. Please make me a sandwich.” The ball is in your court.

Just kidding. You don’t have to make me a sandwich. Not yet, anyway. You don’t even know what I like.

Pretty much anything with roast beef, but not the pre-packaged kind. I like it cut off that big, glorious chunk of cow behind the glass.

It should also have tomatoes, but thinly sliced with love.

Onions are tricky. Too many and they overpower the sandwich. Too little and it’s missing something (more onions).

Lettuce? I’ll leave that up to you. It adds some color and texture, though I’m not convinced we’re meant to eat it. Scientists are wrong all the time and that’s one of my many bones to pick with them. (Mmmmm…. Bones.)

Lastly, condiments. This is very important. Oil and vinegar, a little salt, and of course, a healthy dose of mayo. I’d say about twice what the normal person eats.

Now that you know how to do it, you have no excuse not to. I’ll wait here.

(Elevator music…)

I see you’re going to be difficult about this. Whatever. I’ll make my own, but it won’t be the spectacular sandwich I’ve just described. That’s on you. I’d think you’d be a little more agreeable on my mom’s birthday. Few things make that woman happier than seeing me eat delicious, free food.

Despite your disobedience, I’m going to do you a solid. First, there’s still some time left for the lizard in you to bake in the sun. However, if you are more like me and don’t have an internal lizard that enjoys being cooked, now is your time of year.

Once the leaves start changing and the air turns chilly, in my opinion, there is no better time to be at Serendipity. It’s simply breathtaking, and there are plenty of ways to stay warm (fire pit, hot tub, sauna, roast beef… Pick your pleasure).

While for many the summer months are ideal, there’s something magical about enjoying a crisp, cool night fireside under the clearest sky you can imagine. Those are the kinds of moments you remember for a lifetime (like many you’ll experience there).

So now that you owe me for that whole sandwich debacle, the least you can do is go experience this. If not for me, for mom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Total Eclipse (Of The Heart)

Several months back I agreed to something stupid that takes an enormous amount of my time. And I don’t even like it. Which means I spend a lot of my day doing things I don’t like to do.

Wahhhhh. Not looking for violins here. Too many of us are in this boat. More trying to explain why I’ve not been around as nearly as often as I’d hoped these past few months, because I know I’ve missed some of the best times ever (and people).

There was a time when I was a fixture at Serendipity. (A fixture that ate your food.) I had a real plan to live there forever, but stores and places like that still expect money in return for things. Whatever. I’ll figure it out.

The time I was able to get off this year was spent in Florida on some family business. If you’re planning a visit, you might want to bring some food. I’m pretty sure I ate most of what was there.

Did you catch Shark Week? That’s me in Florida. I just rush from cool spot to cool spot in search of anything I can put in my mouth that resembles food. I accidentally bit 3 surfers after mistaking them for seals. (The second and third really weren’t an accident. I had developed a taste for surfer.)

By the way, I do find it ironic that Shark Week seems to have the intention of educating me on why I shouldn’t be scared of sharks while terrifying me of them. They’ll explain how sharks are misunderstood. I think it’s because no one has sat down to talk to them. (Probably because they’ll eat your face.)

You see, I don’t think I misunderstand. I feel like sharks are thinking, “Food, food, food, food, food, is that food? Bite it.” That’s all I need to know. Thank you. All yours, sharks. I’ll go ahead and swim where you’re not.

And know where they’re not? That’s right! The pool at The Dip. Where this weekend they’ll be warming up for the total eclipse of the sun (and my heart because I won’t be there).

If you haven’t taken off Monday, do it! Tell your boss I said it was okay, and if he/she has any issues with that, tell them I’ll quit. Trust me. They don’t want a lose a man like me. You’ll be fine.

And from what I understand, the park is in the totality zone. Just think how many people will be looking at it, but how few will be looking at it while naked. Most couldn’t do that if they wanted to. (Take that, people in other public places that don’t allow nude eclipse viewing.)

Consider it a practice trip for the upcoming Labor Day weekend bash that’s guaranteed to rock your world. And when I say “guarantee,” I mean not in writing. (Except for that part where I wrote it, but I am insane and that will hold up on court. Not to mention how hard it would be to prove your world was not rocked. I’m just saying any guarantees expressed or implied are not that.)

 

 

Memorial Day Weekend Super-Celebration And Season Kick-off!

You read it right. It’s kick-off time! And not a minute too soon. As a matter of fact, the park has already been bustling with activity. People couldn’t wait for the kick-off. And can you blame them? No. You can’t. No one likes a blamer, anyway.

It officially starts today and if you haven’t yet made your plan to visit Serendipity Park this weekend, you should go ahead and do that now. I promise you won’t regret it. It’s not only the best nudist park in Georgia, it’s the best one in the world. (At least in my opinion.)

The crew at “The Dip” really goes big for this event, so what you can expect is non-stop fun from morning until… ??? If you’re one of those that likes to stay up until the sun joins you, I’m sure you won’t be alone. And if you’re one of those that just wants to soak up the sun, play games and enjoy the company of those that helped gain Serendipity it’s 7th Friendliest Park award, you can just do that. Or you can do all of it.

Oh yeah! Food! Tons of food. You can bring your own, but I’m not going to. Nothing I can make is nearly as good as the food that’s on tap for this weekend. That said, I only know how to make Pop Tarts, but those are excellent. So if I say the food is going to be better than a Pop Tart, then that’s extremely high praise.

And music! Yeah! That, too.

Many reading this have been visiting the park for years, but I know we have some that haven’t yet “dipped” their toe in the pool, so to speak. If that’s you, what are you waiting for? An invitation? Done. I just invited you. Now you have no excuse.

For more information on events, directions or just to review the awesomeness of what is Serendipity Park, take a look at the new (and very nicely done) Serendipity Park website. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!

 

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

It takes a special kind of woman that doesn’t hold it against you when you throw up on her. You throw up on me and we’re done. I’ll never get within three feet of you again. Get any closer than that you’ll see me move into the crane kick posture. And remember, if done correctly, is no defense.

Of course I’m talking about my mother, and probably your mother, and all the mothers that have found themselves bathed in vomit and don’t hate you for it. I mean, I’m sure they didn’t think it was cute or, “Awww baby! You are the gift that keeps on giving.”

And think about all the other things they put up with.

Mom: Why did you put all my make up in the toilet?

Me: I don’t know.

And I didn’t know. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe it was my way of expressing how she should let her natural beauty shine.

This was just one of many stupid things I did when I was a kid, for no other reason than… I don’t know. Maybe it was my wild fascination with wondering what things looked like if they were broken. The ultimate conclusion from my research is they looked different and stopped working. Some call it destructive. I call it learning.

For example, I learned very early the exact tool and force required to put holes in wall paneling. In case you are wondering, a hammer works the best. These are the things they don’t teach you in school.

As I recall these precious moments, I’m wondering how I lived through them. I’m pretty sure if I was my mom I would have chained me to something that moved faster than I could run. And that’s why I’m saying it takes a special kind of woman to be a mom.

So, Mom, thank you for not having me dragged away by a horse or car or the first thing you saw that had the towing capacity. That took a lot of patience. I love you. (Cue mom tearing up. Now laughing because I totally caught her.)

For the other moms out there (many of which are sitting naked in the sun right now at one of the most beautiful places in Georgia and are already having the best Mother’s Day ever and probably aren’t getting thrown up on, but I can’t guarantee that because some are with their children and kids will spontaneously throw up which is exactly why I don’t trust them), Happy Mother’s Day!