I Have Some News

This Christmas is pretty weird. First, my air conditioning is on. Let’s start there.

I also haven’t had time to decorate, so basically, it’s like September in my world.  Merry September.

I haven’t shopped, I haven’t sent cards… I’ve pretty much done nothing to prepare. I might as well head down to Whoville and steal their presents.

I’m just kidding. I don’t even know where Whoville is and they didn’t do anything to me. (They know better than to draw first blood.)

I actually read some interesting information about Dr. Seuss today. As it turns out, you should, too. I’m not just going to tell you what I learned. That wouldn’t be fair. I did all the work.

I’m sorry. That’s not the holiday spirit. I’ll tell you. But you can’t say you heard it here or I’ll call you a liar and brand you insane. Here goes:

Dr. Seuss was not a real doctor. I’ll pause for you to take that in.

I was first inspired by his research on Sneeches, a troubled people divided by only a slight genetic difference. A very sad story. One that changed my entire perspective on Sneech society.

The good doctor’s work on cats in hats was groundbreaking, and none of us ever thought to call into question the validity of his hypotheses. But as I dig further, I’m starting to believe much of his science is fiction.

I know this is a bold accusation that could very well rock the foundation of our society. If nothing else, text books will need to be rewritten. (They hate when that happens so they’ll probably try to bury my theories like in the Will Smith movie where we learn that running full speed and smashing your head into other heads isn’t good for your head or the other heads. Who knew? Dr. Will Smith. A real doctor, unlike you know Whoville —>)

Anyway, I’m sorry to deliver this blow so close to Christmas, but the good news is you’ll probably be watching the Grinch this year through different lenses. I’m not sure he’s even real and knowing that takes some of the fear out of it for me.

I mean, I’m still going to set my Grinch traps, but that’s become more of a tradition than it is actual fear of that s.o.b. coming into my house and trying to take my presents. (Hear that, Grinch? I’m not playing. I will jack you up. I’m no Who pansy.)

Oh and before I forget, I’m not sure it’s okay to eat green eggs and ham. Sam I Am might have been onto something there. I’ve been preparing some for weeks. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m leaving now. My favorite documentary “The Princess Bride” is on. That Buttercup is quite a prize. The man in black is one lucky guy.

Before I go, I’d like to wish all my friends at the park (who, by the way, are probably the few who are happy about this weather) a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

And don’t forget, the New Year’s Eve party is coming and it’s always epic.

 

 

 

 

My Friend Is The World

So I heard through a grapevine that someone I met a couple of months ago described me as “awkward.”

My first response was, “He’s dumb and I hate him. (middle finger)”

It then occurred to me that I am awkward, so I found the guy, apologized for telling someone I hated him and that he was dumb, then gave him some leaves I had found outside. After, I laid down and made carpet angels for him.

I figured since we both agreed I was awkward, I could just be me.

After a moonwalking demonstration, listing all the fruits I like and reciting some short stories I wrote in high school, I asked him if he’d like to go get naked at my cabin in the woods.

He awkwardly declined and I thought, “Oh… I’m the awkward one?”

I started getting the sense I was making him a little uncomfortable, so quickly changed the subject and asked him if he saw that art exhibit where skinless dead people are partaking in various activities, like bicycling and playing cards. I thought maybe some pop culture would alleviate the tension and help us find some common ground.

Clearly I tried everything, but we just weren’t connecting. It was at that moment I realized that each of the 7 billion people on this planet might not be my friend.

I was also getting the sense I was about to be asked to leave, so I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I thought I could regroup, come back and start over.

By the time I emerged, he said something about the police and I said I liked their older stuff but Sting got kind of weird and now says he has orgasms that last for hours. Everyone likes fun facts, except seemingly you know who (points to Mr. Awkward).

Then he was getting angry and I didn’t get it. I told him I was just trying to be his friend. He said he didn’t want to be my friend, and my first reaction was to ask for my leaves back, but I decided that was petty and I could get more (even though those were really nice ones).

As I was exiting he said, “Maybe in the next life.”

I took that as a positive sign I was finally getting through that tough exterior, so I replied, “It’s a date! And who knows? Our next lives might be playing skinless chess together for eternity. You better practice. I’m no slouch.”

Truth is I’m not very good, but he didn’t need to know that. It was more about getting into his head before the big game. I think it worked. I could sense the fear. Now I guess the pressure’s on me to back it up.

I left with a feeling we made some progress and I had changed his mind about me. It was a good feeling.  Maybe I can be friends with everyone in the world. I might be getting the hang of this social thing.

And that’s really one of the big reasons I came to Serendipity in the first place. I realized I needed to work on my social skills and thought it would be easier if I was naked. Strangely, it was.

In fact, I find myself to be more comfortable at the park than just about anywhere. It’s like all social awkwardness disappears.

I think it’s because any social vulnerabilities people might feel are washed away by the ultimate vulnerability of wearing no clothes, and the pressure that relieves makes all the difference.

I’m doing a poor job describing it and know it seems like it wouldn’t be transcendent, but it really is. Until there’s a writer around that can more accurately convey it, you’ll just have to experience it for yourself.

And guess what? The perfect time to do that is now.

The Christmas party is this Saturday, and man, are they a good time. Sure, it’s a little chilly, but that’s why God made robes and hot tubs. (Maybe not in that order. Probably hot tubs first, then he had to deal with the cold naked people running around. We will now call that scientific fact.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why Are You Thankful?

When I awoke last Thanksgiving, half of my face didn’t work. For those of you with faces, I assure you, it’s weird.

I know I’m not the only one ever to experience facial paralysis. There are millions of people this has happened to and they know how troubling it can be when you’re drooling uncontrollably or you can’t shut one of your eyes.

I can’t tell you how many times something was coming straight for my eye and I fully expected my eyelid to do something about it. But nooooooooooo… It totally let me get poked in the eye. Whatever.

“Chicks dig eye patches,” I’d joke to myself, “I can pretend like I’m in a soap opera. Then when I take off the eye patch, that’s my evil twin who goes around ruining my life, and all he really has to do is wear my eye patch and people think it’s me.” You get what I’m saying.

However, what chicks don’t dig is when food is falling out of your mouth while you’re chewing. And that’s another thing. If I was trying to eat a sandwich or something, which you know is my second favorite thing in the world (after Taco Bell), my lip would be pushed into my mouth, effectively becoming part of the sandwich.  Worse yet, it would also become part of a taco. Everything tasted like lip.

But hey. I’m a half-face full kinda guy. Even though it happened Thanksgiving day, the day of eating all that can be eaten, I couldn’t eat without also consuming my face. Did it suck? Yes. Was I going to let it ruin my day? Yes.

So most of that day I was Googling what happened, when I can expect (if I can expect) a recovery, etc. And luckily, most of what I read turned out to be pretty accurate.

It took about 6 months to recover to about 80% of the functionality it had before. A year later, I’m at about 90. I still have difficulty drinking through a straw, but that makes me giggle. I’m a simple man who is easily amused.

I wrote a post about this around the time I was making my recovery. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it and still don’t, I’m now reminded because Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I just hope the left side doesn’t go.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot. What caused the paralysis was Shingles. I got it on my neck, face, ear and head.

The facial paralysis was called RHS (Ramsey Hunt Syndrome), a rare occurrence in .01% of Shingles… People? Victims? Patients? I don’t know what they call us, as long as they don’t call us late for dinner. (Cymbal crashes)

My point to all of this is the reaction I received when I returned to the park, which was an outpouring of affection and caring. I learned everyone had been really concerned. It just made me remember how awesome the people at the Dip are, and I’m thankful I have a place there.

Speaking of dinner and the Dip (mmmmm… dinner), the annual Thanksgiving dinner will be held on November 21st.

And please don’t worry about my face. It’s fine. This is the face you should be worried about.

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(Congrats to Stuart for winning this year’s Halloween costume contest! At least I think this is from the contest.)

Read Very Carefully

Ding dong, the snake is dead. I mean, a snake. A big one.

So big, in fact, I’m moving to Canada. (As soon as I Google their snake situation.)

Rattlesnake

What you’ll notice about this rattlesnake is that it used to have a complete head where there is now not one. We can thank my neighbor for that. Or as I like to call him, “Braveheart.”

You see, I’m not really a killer. If it’s not attacking me it usually gets to live.

And that likely would have been the case with this snake. Had I come across it, I would have run away and never gone back to that place again. That’s where he planted his snake flag and I respect the law.

However, if you wander across the border into Braveheartia, well, the “live and let live” mantra of Mayoville no longer applies.

The thing I like about rattlesnakes is they’re like, “Hey. Hear that noise? That means you have to go away now.”

And I’m like, “Ok.”‘

It’s this symbiotic relationship with nature that keeps me inside my house all the time.

You know what I’ve never seen at Serendipity Park? A giant rattlesnake.  It’s true. And this is just one of the many things I love about it.

The other thing I’m missing is the beautiful weather, the leaves changing across the mountainsides, the ability to walk through my front door and not run for my life. Lastly, the fun.

I know most of you already plan to come to the Halloween party on Saturday, so for those of you who do not plan on coming, you’ll need to read very carefully.

I don’t mean to get in your business, but I’ll need you to explain to me everything you plan to do between now and Sunday. I’ll re-prioritize your schedule and fax it back to you.

If you don’t have a fax machine, consider that the first thing you’ll need to do.

You also might as well get your costume together.

If you don’t already know what you’re going to be, come as a banana or some other type of fruit. (We don’t have time to get creative here. You might think we do, but I’m the one calling the shots here and you haven’t even got your fax machine or made me pumpkin-shaped cookies yet. Chop-chop.)

Isn’t it so much better when everyone is doing exactly what I tell them to do? I know! This is what I’ve been saying. I have jobs for everyone in the entire world. Really good ones.

The most important thing is that people are happy, and it’s been scientifically proven that people are happier when controlled by me. I have piles of data. All you need to know is the science is there, okay? Just put on your fruit costume and see how much better you feel. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Halloween at Serendipity!

Despite the onset of the chilly weather, friends still gather regularly at the park. Not me, because I’m somewhere else, but I do miss everyone there.

Let’s forget about me for a second. (If that’s possible. I know I can’t.) Let’s talk about… You know what? I can’t. We’ll talk about me some more. This way none of us will be trying not to think about me and we can keep our focus.

So what have I been up to? Nothing. Work stuff. I don’t really feel like talking about it. I think the point I’m trying to make is I’m bored. And why am I bored? Because I’m not there.

The days in Cleveland, GA are beautiful right now. I could be throwing a Frisbee, running through the woods with my dog, enjoying the hot tub, talking with friends… All the stuff I’m not doing right now.

You know what I am doing right now? None of those things. I just told you. Remember, all focus on me. We don’t have time for recaps. There’s a Bruce Lee marathon starting.

I mean, I’m going to dvr it, but I have a lot to do before then. I have to arrange pillows… Ok that’s it but they have to be just right and it takes some time. I’m not just going to sit in a chair. It’s a MARATHON, people. Let’s try not to get all Judge Judy.

No more talking about me. I see this has taken an ugly turn and if there’s one thing I hate it’s people looking at me like I’m not the best ever. I am the Bruce Lee of watching Bruce Lee marathons. (Hi-ya!)

It took me a long time to figure out the pillow thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in front of a tv all day and got up feeling stiff, achy and fatigued. Almost to the point I would regret having sat there all day.

But now that I have mastered the art, I can lie around and do nothing for days. Weeks even. And I feel great.

The trick is in the way you stack the pillows. Most people will… You know what? Visual is so much better. I did a YouTube video. Just click here.

If the link didn’t work it’s because there’s not really a video. I made that  up. Sorry.

Did you really want to see a video on proper pillow placement for marathon-watching? That’s silly. There aren’t any. I looked. That’s why I had to come up with my own system. I’d tell you about it, but it’s proprietary.

The whole reason I’m enveloped in my secret comfort formula to watch the 4 best movies ever made is because I’m not at the park doing above mentioned Frisbee-ing, running through the woods, etc.

If I were to run through the woods where I am now, there’s a fair chance I would be eaten. (Welcome to Florida!)

My neighbor asked me the other day if I would mind if he shot the rattlesnake in my yard.

Not only do I not mind, I won’t leave the house until he does. Will someone bring me a sandwich or something? Just be careful.

If you do see it, remain calm, do not drop the sandwich or use it as any kind of weapon. You can use the 24 packs of Coke for that (bottles please).

If that doesn’t work, throw the big bags of assorted variety Hershey’s chocolates (you should have these in one of your hands, preferably both). The heavier the better. They hate those.

Speaking of candy, Halloween at Serendipity! It’s going to be awesome. And you can be there. Should be. (Unless you’re held captive in your home by reptiles.)

Here Comes Halloween

You see, I used to have a problem. I would state my opinion quite plainly, and people would not like it.

Some would say I still have this problem. I would say they could be right, so when I say “used to have a problem,” I meant since the last time I talked to someone. It might be gone now. I don’t know.

It could be my delivery or the words I choose. For instance, when someone else has voiced his/her opinion, I should avoid phrases like “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard” or “Help I’m slipping into the Twilight Zone” or “Am I being Punk’d?” or “Well we could do that if we were trying to break everything.”

I don’t know. Now that I’ve written it down and read it, I think it’s fine. And the one about the Twilight Zone is funny. Some people need a sense of humor and to stop being dumb about stuff.  Whatever.

And this is why I like the Dip. The friendliness is infectious. The guy they know is laid back and relaxed. This guy is friendly, warm, fun to be around. He doesn’t say things like, “Have you lost your mind? I wouldn’t worry about it. It didn’t seem to be helping us.”

I might be exaggerating a little bit. A lot of times I just think this stuff, then I say it. I don’t know. Maybe it is me. Whatever.

When I get to the park, I think what changes in me is directly related to the environment. I instantly relax. I don’t feel compelled to say things like “I think we should catch that idea and put it in a bag or something before it gains strength and becomes a great fiery eyeball that we’ll need a hobbit and a wizard to destroy.”

And people say I have a communication problem? It’s not my fault I’m right all the time and perpetually speak truths in clever, relatable and insightful ways, while concisely illustrating the point. It’s called “efficiency.” Look it up. I can’t teach you people everything. Whatever.

It’s not that I don’t care, but it’s not that I do. And I think that’s the middle ground you need to find in order to effectively build relationships. I read that in a post once (this one) and have believed it ever since.

Speaking of truths, it might be the most beautiful time of the year at The Dip. The leaves are changing, and as they fall, the colorful Mount Yonah is revealed through the trees.

Most of the visitors to this area (and nearby Helen) will be here over these next couple of months, simply because of the beauty surrounding this place. So if you’re looking for a cabin rental around Helen in October, you’ll get some of the best cabin rates in the entire area.  You’ll also have a lot of fun.

The Halloween party is now a few short weeks away, so don’t make plans (unless they are for that, then proceed). It’s always one of the biggest (if not the biggest) events of the year. You don’t want to miss it.

Beach Ball IV is Here

It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday. The regular crowd shuffles in.

There’s a nude man sitting next to me, asking me where I have been.

I said, “Dude I am here for the melodies. I’m not really sure how they’ll go. But I’ll bet they’ll be great while the crowd fills their plates and strips off all of those stupid clothes.”

La da da diddy daaaa…

La da diddy daaaaa da da…

Sing us a song, oh Whoever Band! Sing us a song tonight! Cause we’re all in the mood for a melody, and our pants were feeling too tight.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist. Consider this to my contribution to today’s music festivities.

Someone asked me last week if I play a musical instrument and, I don’t. Not because I wouldn’t love to, but I’m pretty sure my left hand is operated by someone else. Perhaps by remote control.

Anyway, I doubt you’ve come to hear about my left hand, so I’ll tell you about the right one. It’s easily my favorite.

I use it for everything. Eating, brushing my teeth… It’s really no surprise it’s become so good at a variety of things. Maybe if lefty got his act together we’d give him a little more responsibility.

For example, show me you can throw something without me looking like a 4 year old girl. Just pick up something and do it. You clearly don’t listen to me, so take some damn initiative. What is it with you, guy?

Whatever. I don’t have time for this. It’s a big day here at the park, and it’s not too late to get here. Not even close.

So when you think about what you’re going to do today, or even tomorrow, what’s there to think about? Exactly.

This is going to be good.