Florida Is Closed For Business

I’m very lucky in that I can work from wherever there is an internet connection, and believe me, I take full advantage of it. What dictates my living arrangement is usually the weather.

For example, when I awoke this morning, my whole body felt like an armpit. I was half way across the room before I could peel the sheets off, and I remember hating air. I might have even swatted at it a couple of times in grumpy morning anger. This is Florida.

I grew up here, so I get how hot it gets, yet every year it feels as if the sun decided to move here and has been migrating for the last 40 years. I mean, it is old and I’m sure very tired. It’s finally ready to relax, play some shuffleboard and drive in front of me wherever I go.

It deserves it. Life-bringer and all. Take a break, guy. I’ll tell you what. You can stay at my place while I go somewhere I can breathe… Maybe walk outside if I feel like it. I know, I know. I won’t be able to use the hood of my car as a grill, but I’ll get by.

As I said, I’m lucky. I just happen to have a little place where the sun still shines, just not in my living room. And it just happens to be one of the most awesome, beautiful places on the planet. So yay for me! And I’ll be there quite soon.

Meanwhile, for those of you considering a vacation to Florida over the next few months, I’ll tell you a quick story. Remember, that’s what I do.

The other day an alligator yelled at me. The day before that, a water moccasin tried to bite my dog. I thought I saw it again so I went to kill it, but it was a different snake, so I let it live, much like the snake a few weeks ago I fought with a stick.

Now I dress like Rambo, peering out of my windows with binoculars, waiting for them to draw first blood.

Of course, you’re not going to see the real truth in the tourism commercials. I’ve tried to correct this by submitting my own ideas to the Florida Tourism Board, but have heard nothing. Maybe if we get together, we can make this happen.

“Come to Florida, but don’t go outside.”

“The mosquitoes are the least of your problems.”

“Sure it’s hot, but… Rollercoasters?”

“You probably won’t get eaten.”

“Don’t forget to monitor hurricane activity before you book!”

“We are closed from May through September.”

“Go to Serendipity Park instead.”

The last one has punch and is perhaps the best advice I could give to anyone considering a vacation to this place.

To my friends at the Dip, I will be there soon and am very much looking forward to seeing everyone.

Start Your Naked Engines

Start your naked engines! (I’m not sure what that entails, but I just mean get ready to run around naked in the woods.)

Each year around this time, everyone starts gearing up for what always promises to be a hugely entertaining season. It simply never fails.

I, myself, can’t wait to get there. I’d already be there if not stricken by illness.

The good news is I’m taking four different medications that cause drowsiness or dizziness.  I’m not even sure I’m writing this.

In fact, I might be there and not even realize it.

Hey, everyone at The Dip, have you seen a 3-wheeled golf cart with a homemade backseat and a big umbrella sticking out of it driving around in circles?

Are you finding potato chip crumbs in dark corners where there normally wouldn’t be potato chip crumbs?

Have you seen any homemade signs that say, “Beware: There Are Monsters In The Bushes”? (I’ve been putting those up everywhere lately, because there are.)

If you do see any of these things, someone please come throw some food on my porch and run away.

I’d recommend you do it during the day. They come out at night to eat the translucent rabbits.  And by “They” I mean… Something. I don’t remember.

What were we talking about? It must not be important. So what are you doing?

Before you tell me, don’t. Ha! I love that one. And you always fall for it.

So like I was saying, it’s time to run around naked!

I can’t run yet, but I can limp naked. And if you’re wondering what’s wrong with me, I really don’t like complaining about my issues on the internet, but I’ll consider this a PSA:

Shingles sucks.

I’m young to get it and, in my case, it was likely triggered by something mechanical in the spine. Doctors really don’t know what can trigger it, but as most know, if you’ve ever had chicken pox, it lives in your nerves.

Most people get it in their mid-back. I got it in my neck and face. The result was facial paralysis on the right side, which I’ve been dealing with for the last 4 months.

It’s improving rapidly and I’m recovering, but then it came back on my hip and thigh. It’s awesome.

As Terry Bradshaw says (and all others who’ve had Shingles), it HURTS!

I’m not a doctor, but… Wait… Am I a doctor? I’m wearing a stethoscope and there are latex gloves everywhere. Huh.

Anyway, I’m sorry. What were we talking about? That’s right. You were about to make an appointment.

Just click here to do that.

Ha! I love that one. And you always fall for it.

As I was saying (not in this post, but to a stranger in the parking lot at Ponderosa), you should never, ever trust a cat wearing a fur turban. You’d think that would be a given.

With that, we’d love to see you out at the park! It truly is one of the more beautiful places in the entire country.

And when you’re not basking nude in the sun, local attractions (such as Helen, GA) are less than a fifteen minute drive away.

Even if you’re planning a trip to Helen, the park has excellent accommodations at extremely reasonable rates.

Suite-like cabins, RV lots and camp sites are all available, and the only thing missing is you. (And maybe a giant pile of chocolate chips, but I’m currently composing my 32nd email to management about it. Keep your fingers crossed. And if you’re not with me, you’re against me. Remember that.)

Happy Valentine’s Day From Me!

If you’re like many men, you’re struggling with what to do about Valentine’s Day this year. If you’re like me, you don’t have to do anything or even think about it, which is pretty awesome.

No offense, ladies, but yes, I am happy to not live under the pressure of a) what to do b) knowing what I do will be wrong and c) whatever consequences await me for being an inconsiderate jerk.

Please don’t misunderstand, awesome women. This isn’t a you problem. This is an inconsiderate jerk problem.

I didn’t used to be this way. I was married twice and have spent most of my life in relationships, so clearly I’m really good at them. And there was a time when I hopped to it when the holiday arose, whatever it was. Now I just don’t want to. So that’s it. Me in a nutshell. I don’t want to, so I’m not gonna. Maturity can only come with experience.

Ok, so now let’s get to those of you guys who do live under this pressure. I’ve clearly demonstrated I’m exactly the guy you should be listening to when it comes to relationship advice, so open your ear… Eyes.

The Valentine’s Day party at the Dip is one of the best parties of the year and each year I’ve attended (by myself because I’m awesome), I see first-time couples having the times of their lives. I mean, they will say, “This is the best time I’ve ever had.” Many of them have never been to a nudist park before and they ALWAYS come back.

The Nudelywed Game is hosted by one of the most underrated game show hosts in history, and easily the best naked game show host in history, Stuart. It’s one of the funniest things you’ll ever witness or take part in.

This is pretty much the major kick-off of the year and if you’re looking for something a little different for you and the bos… wife/lady friend, you simply can’t do any better. And have you thought of all the time and energy you’d save trying to get her naked? Ehhh? I know. It’s almost like cheating. And you’re welcome.

Happy New Year From Me!

I hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Year, even though I know everyone didn’t.

I know because I have had sucky Christmases. So if you had a sucky Christmas, I am sorry.

How’s that for an upbeat beginning? Let me start over.

Actually, I’m allowed to be uncheery now. Christmas is over. This is the time of year we get to complain about what a crappy year last year was and how we get a fresh start.

We’re working on our lists of things we’d like to correct about ourselves. Some of us made a list of things we’d like to correct about other people.

Some of us are very lazy and don’t make lists, because lists are boooooooooooorrrrring and make us want to take a nap.

Even the thought of composing such a list might make us want to watch a Van Damme marathon while licking our palms free of the tasty collage of supposed “won’t melt in your hands” candy coating.

Some of us might even get a stain on our favorite blanket and curse everything, then vow to sue the company for false advertising.

We might even envision the courtroom battle, our favorite blankie in a bag marked “exhibit A” and the ferocious lawyer we hired who also happens to have a ponytail, which at first unnerves us until we realize he’s so good he can have any kind of haircut he wants.

Before long we hear, “Judgment for the plaintiff for 862 million dollars.”

Then we’re on our yacht, watching a Van Damme marathon and licking candy off our palms.

So how is your 2015 going so far? Wait. Before you answer, tell someone else. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that there’s this thing on I’ve been waiting to see since I saw the preview a few minutes ago.

Just kidding. I do want to know, so just click here and start talking into your microphone.

How’s mine going? Well let me tell you all about it.

It’s going ok. Let’s move on.

The more important question is, “What’s going on at Serendipity Park this year?”

And the answer is, “Lots of stuff!”

In fact, more things are going on through the winter months than ever before.

Games, parties, giant inflatable cartoon characters*… You name it. And if you have any special requests, click here and tell your microphone.

(Just in case the message doesn’t go through, you might want to also call 888-NUDE-ONE.)

What many don’t realize about Serendipity Park is the vast amount of indoor space where you can play naked.

Dancing, karaoke, billiards, air hockey, even foosball. (Though you REALLY have to be careful with foosball. I consider this the most dangerous sport on the planet for a naked person.)

Then you have the huge hot tub, sauna, hot showers everywhere… It’s almost as if someone designed a place where people can still have nude fun when it’s -30.

I guess what I’m saying is that the cold sucks and, while many are hunkering down, waiting for it to end so they can peek their heads out and start having a good time again, why wait?

The fun can be had right now.

* Must bring your own giant inflatable cartoon characters.

I’m Like Batman But Without All The Cool Toys

Around this time of year, people at the Dip start to say, “Hey, Where’s Mayo?” Then Stuey explains how the cold weather is the ninja smoke in which I disappear. So for those of you wondering, poof. I’m not there.

My issue more revolves around the fact that my cabin is more like a tent made of wood, or something built by beavers. And my tolerance for cold is much like my tolerance for panthers chewing on my legs. So poof. Like Batman, I’m gone.

No matter, the party will go on without me. (Like it usually does.) In fact, the schedule of events in the upcoming months is packed with awesome things. From what I understand, more stuff is going on at the Dip through the colder months than ever before. Not to mention the big upgrades like the on-premises nightclub.

There are also plenty of ways to warm your butt. A huge hot tub, roomy sauna and a big fire pit will do the trick. The Dip will be an oasis in an otherwise dreary, freezing land of desolation and despair. (Can you tell I hate the cold? I really do. I bet Batman hates being cold. The guy is covered from head to toe all the time. Have you ever seen Batman wearing a tank top? No. I’m just trying to make the case that we are mostly the same. And how do you know I’m not a billionaire who fights crime in the shadows of night? You don’t. It could be that I’m just not flashy about it. Frankly, I think Wayne is a little careless in the way he goes about protecting his super identity. I might even bring it up in the next meeting. I do need a butler, though. “Jeeves! Cheese sticks! And gas up the Mayomobile. Don’t forget to put chocolate milk in my thermos. You didn’t last time and you know I can’t battle injustice without my chocolate milk.” Then he’d say in that funny little accent I love, “Sorry, sir. Right away.” Then I would say, “And make sure the dvr is set up to record The Deadliest Catch. I thought I set up a series recording but I guess it didn’t take.” And he’d say, “Yes, sometimes you have to hit the confirm button. Did you do that?” And I’d be like, “I don’t know, Jeeves. I have a lot going on. Can you just do it or should I stay home and let crime take over the world tonight?” I love him, but sometimes I feel like I have to do everything.)

For those of you who don’t have a full agenda, here is the calendar of events.

Accommodations For Oktoberfest in Helen, GA

So it’s Oktoberfest in Helen, Ga, and I understand there are tons and tons and tons of people walking around, eating schnitzel, drinking beer, eating other stereotypical German foods, etc. Many don’t know this, but Serendipity Park is only a stone’s throw away.

I’ve been to Helen several times and I always enjoy it. It’s quite beautiful, as is the entire area. There are shops, restaurants, places to fish (though I wouldn’t recommend it this month), and several ways a couple or family can kill some time and enjoy themselves. In fact, many visitors of the park were visiting Helen and said, “Hey, we should check out this nudist park. It’s only ten minutes away.” Then they come, fall in love, become a member and enjoy the rest of their lives. True story. So if you’re looking for accommodations for Oktoberfest in Helen, Ga, check this out:

Hotel rooms are for chumps. No offense, hotel people. I didn’t mean to call you “chumps.” That was just mean. Let me take that back and restate:

Hotel rooms are for chumps. Damn it. I’m sorry. Once I get something in my head I can’t get it out. I obsess. Chumps. Stop it! Ok I have to try again. Please be patient with me. I have issues.

I’m just saying for what is likely less money than you are paying right now, you can be staying in your own cabin with full amenities. Furthermore, without getting arrested, you can walk out on your balcony naked and stare at Mount Yonah. I’ve done this many times and, I have to tell you, it’s the best way to stare at a mountain. I don’t know why. It just is.

But isn’t it too cold to hang out naked? That’s a question a chump would ask. I’m sorry. I did it again. It’s an excellent question. The answer is “No.” It might be the best time of year. At least for me. The days are beautiful. At night, you’ve got clothes, a hot tub, a sauna, an on-site night club with some of the best parties I have ever been to… I mean, it makes Helen look like a chump. Damn it. I’m sorry. Helen is not a chump.

I was a mean kid. I’ll admit it. Sometimes when I write (always), the kid in me comes out and I say things I don’t mean. If only there were a way I could take these things back, I totally would. All I can really do is ask for your forgiveness.

Here’s the info you need: http://serendipitywebsite.wordpress.com/rates/

Labor Day Weekend Is Here!

I’m a very busy man. Most days when I awaken, I have no idea what I’m going to do. Sometimes I do, but more often than not, I don’t do that and do something else.

For example, today I was supposed to do something worky… a chore, I think. But then I said to myself, “If I don’t build that makeshift jeep top for my golf cart today, it will never get done.”

So here we are, kids. Labor Day weekend. It’s upon us. 4 days of fun in the sun. The Sunper Bowl? (I like mixing words up. I’m not sure if I like this one, but my mind is on other things. I’m not your dancing word monkey. Get off my back!)

The crew has been busily preparing for what promises to be the best weekend ever here at the Dip. I’m excited. Are you excited? No? Listen, you and I need to get together and work on your attitude a little. Perhaps we can do it over a game of Kan Jam? I don’t want to tell you how to live your life… Wait. I do want to tell you how to live your life. I’m sorry. I say that a lot but I really do want to. And you should just let me. Let me do it for a week and see if you like it. Here’s what you should do today:

Ok, throw whatever is in your hand right now at the first guy you see.* Don’t worry. He deserves it. You are in the middle of something right now and he’s messing with your moment. He’s probably saying something like, “What the hell was that all about?” This is a common response. Just go with it. It’s a learning moment for both of you. Cherish it and hope he does the same. Be assertive and say, “I don’t need your crap right now.”

This is the first step in taking control of your life (except for this week, because I’ve got that). Ok I think that’s enough for today. Tomorrow we’ll start lesson 2, which is,”Mending fences and taking responsibility for hurting others.” By Friday, I assure you, you will be ready for some fun and relaxation.

So what’s in store? Stuart has more fun planned than you can imagine. Certainly more than I can handle. (That’s usually because I’m full of some type of cheese.) And as per usual, I’m sure the energy will be at its peak. If you’ve never been here, or have been here (I believe that covers everyone in the world), this would be the weekend to visit. (Whole world will not fit. Just FYI. You never know when everyone is going to start listening to you.)

Oh and I forgot to mention. I’ve got my own unveiling of a little project I’ve been working on these last 8 weeks. It is so dumb. Like, the dumbest thing ever. Though the people who have seen it really seem to love it. They’ll say things like, “Why?” and “You have too much time on your hands” and “Are you sure it won’t hurt people?” That’s when I know I’ve accomplished what it is I set out to do.

So remember, I get to tell you what to do this week. No cheating. If you stray from my direction, in any way, I cannot guarantee results.** I should also add that I’m not a doctor and you should probably consult one before getting on this program or any other.

* Do not throw things at people.
** I can’t guarantee results even if you listen to me. In fact, listening to me is a bad idea and no one should ever do it, including me, but I don’t have a choice.