PSA From Guy In Florida: Don’t Come

This time each year (or thereabouts) I write something I like to call my “Florida will kill you” series. Normally these stories are centered around snakes, alligators, sharks, people…

But today, my friends, is different. Let me be clear. All of the things listed above will kill you. But more and more I’m seeing in the news a flesh-eating bacteria known as necrotizing fasciitis. 

Essentially, this bacteria is thriving in the warm waters of Florida and if it enters any open wound (even a needle hole) it can kill you within days.

So if you’re unfamiliar with my “Oh my God Florida is trying to murder me” series (I don’t really have a name for it but as you can see I’m working on it), after I explain the horrible dangers that await you, I then tell you go to Serendipity Park. In this case, where the water won’t literally eat your body.

Doesn’t that sound nice? I think so, too.

Not only will your flesh and organs not be consumed due to a normal activity like swimming, there’s a ton of other stuff to do! Non-getting eaten by a horrible disease water volleyball, relaxing by the pool with no death in it, taking a leisurely walk in the cool mountain creek without those pesky fears of emergency amputation don’t begin to list the not death defying fun.

Now I’ll tell you what’s going on in my life down in FL. I haven’t been outside in months. I killed a mosquito the other day and it looked like a murder scene. There’s a Discovery series about guys who catch pythons in the Everglades. A. Whole. Series. Great whites are being regularly videotaped here in the Gulf and Atlantic. Yay! The biggest, scariest sharks are here now! I have alligators in my backyard. It’s supposed to rain until December or something. And as I’ve mentioned a couple times, the sea has decided it likes humanfood. You see what I’m saying? Do. Not. Come. To. Florida. Geez.

You might ask, “Well if it’s so bad, why are you there?” That’s easy. I’m mentally unstable and that’s what the handbook said to do. (I made a handbook.) Hopefully that answers your question.



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