I surrender. I’ve been talking a lot of crap about Florida and apparently made it mad. Now the trees are after me.
Just ask the one that came into our bedroom last month.
I suppose it’s my fault for burning a pile of them, but I thought I paid my karma debt instantly by setting my legs on fire in the process. Guess not. Maybe karma felt it did me a favor when removing all that grotesque hair and skin I’ve been carrying around on my calves.
Not to mention, I’m so much lighter and faster now. You’d be amazed at how quickly, despite almost no exercise, one can emerge from a ball of fire. I’m thinking about turning it into a whole new training program. Not for me, but to sell to other people.
Here’s what I envision:
Since I’ve already done it, I’ll just throw all the gas on the brush, then view the rest from a safe distance.
On my way to my trainer’s viewing spot, I’ll hand you a mini Bic.
You go stand in it and light it on fire.
Now, I personally guarantee this will melt away the pounds and it only takes seconds a day.
For me, I just got it on the calves because I’m like a cat when consumed by fire. Your results might be different.*
Like most great inventions, I’ll admit, this was a total accident. It’s not like I set out to find the secret to weight loss, prolonged agility and mental acuity in one stroke of genius, but that’s how genius works sometimes.
And ladies, tired of fumbling around with those silly razors, lasers, and chemical hair removers? Get all that grooming done while you exercise!
I need a logo. And a name. FireX. The Fireball System. Great Balls Of Fire?
I don’t know. I’ll work on it. NutriFire?
You get the idea. I feel like I’ve done a good job selling it so there’s just the matter of my fee and I’ll send you the kit (booklet on how to make kit because I don’t think I can send trees, gas and a lighter through the mail so this is the booklet).
Weight loss systems like this can go for as much as 4 million dollars, but the Great Balls of Nutrifire X costs only a fraction of that! (3/4 to be exact.)
But wait, there’s more. When payment is received, I’ll double your order at no additional charge! That means you can read the above booklet again and it costs zilch.
*Setting yourself on fire is a horrible idea. Risks include burning, dying… I think that’s it. You should absolutely not set yourself on fire. Do not try this at home. I am a trained professional (I am absolutely not).
Now that we’ve got all that lawyery stuff out of the way, let’s get on the path to wellness together!
For me, the timing is just right because this is my favorite season. The leaves are changing, the sun gets less hot for some science reason I once knew but don’t care about, the bugs die or something (also don’t care) and I stop complaining about how hot I am. Miracles of nature are blossoming everywhere. And there’s no better place to enjoy them than at The Dip.
In fact, October is loaded with activities, all leading up to… wait for it… The Halloween Party!! Yep. It’s all right here in the calendar of events.
So if you thought the summer fun was over, you were right, but only because it’s been replaced by different fun. So there.