It takes a special kind of woman that doesn’t hold it against you when you throw up on her. You throw up on me and we’re done. I’ll never get within three feet of you again. Get any closer than that you’ll see me move into the crane kick posture. And remember, if done correctly, is no defense.
Of course I’m talking about my mother, and probably your mother, and all the mothers that have found themselves bathed in vomit and don’t hate you for it. I mean, I’m sure they didn’t think it was cute or, “Awww baby! You are the gift that keeps on giving.”
And think about all the other things they put up with.
Mom: Why did you put all my make up in the toilet?
Me: I don’t know.
And I didn’t know. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe it was my way of expressing how she should let her natural beauty shine.
This was just one of many stupid things I did when I was a kid, for no other reason than… I don’t know. Maybe it was my wild fascination with wondering what things looked like if they were broken. The ultimate conclusion from my research is they looked different and stopped working. Some call it destructive. I call it learning.
For example, I learned very early the exact tool and force required to put holes in wall paneling. In case you are wondering, a hammer works the best. These are the things they don’t teach you in school.
As I recall these precious moments, I’m wondering how I lived through them. I’m pretty sure if I was my mom I would have chained me to something that moved faster than I could run. And that’s why I’m saying it takes a special kind of woman to be a mom.
So, Mom, thank you for not having me dragged away by a horse or car or the first thing you saw that had the towing capacity. That took a lot of patience. I love you. (Cue mom tearing up. Now laughing because I totally caught her.)
For the other moms out there (many of which are sitting naked in the sun right now at one of the most beautiful places in Georgia and are already having the best Mother’s Day ever and probably aren’t getting thrown up on, but I can’t guarantee that because some are with their children and kids will spontaneously throw up which is exactly why I don’t trust them), Happy Mother’s Day!