Futbol. Sorry.

So I’m staying at some friends’ house and we’ve been watching the voting results of the referendum for the UK to leave the European Union. Now to be clear, this is not what I would normally be doing. What I watch looks nothing like this.

I’m seeing a lot of talking, words scrolling across the screen like, “Clackmananshire votes to leave,” bar graphs with colorful… bars, people with weird hair… I don’t know what the hell is going on.

What I do know is the votes are in and the UK is out. I also understand there are a lot of worldwide implications to this. I could explain them to you, but I couldn’t explain them to you. And people have already tried to explain it to me, however, I do this thing where I tune out everything but pure entertainment. I’ll give you an example:

Friend:  I wonder how France is going to respond to this.

Me: Are they in the Europe?

Friend: Uhhh… yeah.

Me:  Oui, oui. Go France. How do you think they’ll respond?

Friend: Well I’m saying a bunch of things right now you’re obviously not interested in and won’t remember, so when you recall this conversation, you’ll forget what I said and have to make something up.

Me:  Hmmmm… that is an interesting take. Doesn’t the EU have a soccer tournament coming up?

Friend: Seriously?

Me: Sorry. Futbol. I can’t stop calling it soccer. My bad.

Friend: No. It has nothing to do with that. It’s basically snoooooooze, bla bla bla, words coming out of my mouth you’re not listening to, etc. What’s of most concern is that the British pound has dropped sharply.

Me: Wait… was the vote to change gravity there?

Friend: No, their pound is like our dollar. It’s currency.

Me: Oh. Glad I don’t live there. I don’t think I could carry more than twenty of those. Shopping must be a bitch in the UK. Are you sure this has nothing to do with soccer? I feel like it does. Europists love soccer. Crap. Futbol. Sorry. Want to play a video game? Loser has to carry all our pounds if we ever go to England.


I find instilling hopelessness in my presumptive teachers helps me keep information I don’t want out of my head. I knew France was in Europe (pretty sure, anyway). I knew pounds were British money. Still think they’re too heavy but whatever. That’s probably why they’re worth more than a dollar.

One of the reasons I don’t pay any attention to world news or national news or local news or anything with “news” attached is because it’s nothing like playing a game or watching Seinfeld. In no way is news like Frisbee. I’ve compared them and Frisbee is way better. The news would never say, “Frisbee is better than we are.” Even though it’s true and they know it. I no longer trust them.

Naked water volleyball? Better than news. Relaxing in a hot tub vs. news? Hot tub, thank you. Reading a book in the sun, then hopping in the pool for a skinny dip? Kicks. News. Ass. Hiking down a scenic path to a beautiful creek and having a picnic? I think you get the point.










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