It’s Just Science

Studies show that 100% of people are naked when not wearing any type of clothing. It’s true.

My studies reveal all sorts of interesting information, such as 100% of people run on oxygen.

Other interesting revelations are I like blacksmithing shows, gray beard hair grows twice as fast as my normal, flowing, brown beard hair, and I don’t like beans. Of any kind. Maybe refried beans sometimes, but you have to fry beans more than once to get them past these lips.

“Have those beans only been fried once? Ok, listen. I’m going to need you to put some more bacon fat in those before I eat them.”

I’ll admit my studies are lazy and aren’t widely recognized, but unlike many studies, mine reveal facts. And aren’t really debatable. Take that, other studies. My studies are bitchin’ and I get them done with one person. In minutes. I just did those. Just now.

I mean, the gray hair thing took a little time and yeah I had to try all the beans and yeah other people cooked them for me because I would never do it myself or ask for them but I still didn’t need to talk to 1,000 people about it or poke one person with a needle. I don’t have that kind of time. It’s called “efficiency.” Whatever.

Now that I’ve proven, without a doubt, that I am the best scientist in the world, another of my studies reveals that the Dip is one of the most relaxing places in the world. And though I haven’t been all over the world, I’ve met a lot of people who have. And more than once I’ve heard it’s their favorite place in the world. That’s something that’s not said about a kajillion other places. A trajillion.

I hear the weather is getting absolutely perfect right now. I wouldn’t know, I’m in FL cooking all my stuff. And I’m soooo jealous, but not for long.

I read the newsletter (which I always do and you should get if you don’t because it’s always informative and entertaining because I don’t do it, so subscribe) and there’s a ton of great events scheduled.

As much as I’d like to talk to you all day, unfortunately, I have some science to get to. Today we find out which type of screws I don’t have that I need for a project I won’t do, go buy them, throw the bag into a blackhole somewhere and when I finally do decide to tackle said project, not find them,  go buy more screws, toss them in the hole, postpone project, lose screws, buy more, etc.

I find the only way to get a real grasp on the scientific process is through diligently repeating the same test to ensure you’re getting the same result. Anything else would be sloppy. I take behavioral science seriously. Watch. I bet I’ll forget the whole screw thing altogether and watch television because it’s too hot.

I was right. Again. My methods are unconventional, but you can’t deny the accuracy of my hypotheses. More like hypothefact.

So when I say you’ll have an excellent time when you visit the Dip, that’s a hypothefact. And what you’ve just witnessed doesn’t convince you I’m channeling Einstein, then how do you explain his hair trying to take over my face? Ehhh?  Classic channeling. Textbook.




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