Read Very Carefully

Ding dong, the snake is dead. I mean, a snake. A big one.

So big, in fact, I’m moving to Canada. (As soon as I Google their snake situation.)


What you’ll notice about this rattlesnake is that it used to have a complete head where there is now not one. We can thank my neighbor for that. Or as I like to call him, “Braveheart.”

You see, I’m not really a killer. If it’s not attacking me it usually gets to live.

And that likely would have been the case with this snake. Had I come across it, I would have run away and never gone back to that place again. That’s where he planted his snake flag and I respect the law.

However, if you wander across the border into Braveheartia, well, the “live and let live” mantra of Mayoville no longer applies.

The thing I like about rattlesnakes is they’re like, “Hey. Hear that noise? That means you have to go away now.”

And I’m like, “Ok.”‘

It’s this symbiotic relationship with nature that keeps me inside my house all the time.

You know what I’ve never seen at Serendipity Park? A giant rattlesnake.  It’s true. And this is just one of the many things I love about it.

The other thing I’m missing is the beautiful weather, the leaves changing across the mountainsides, the ability to walk through my front door and not run for my life. Lastly, the fun.

I know most of you already plan to come to the Halloween party on Saturday, so for those of you who do not plan on coming, you’ll need to read very carefully.

I don’t mean to get in your business, but I’ll need you to explain to me everything you plan to do between now and Sunday. I’ll re-prioritize your schedule and fax it back to you.

If you don’t have a fax machine, consider that the first thing you’ll need to do.

You also might as well get your costume together.

If you don’t already know what you’re going to be, come as a banana or some other type of fruit. (We don’t have time to get creative here. You might think we do, but I’m the one calling the shots here and you haven’t even got your fax machine or made me pumpkin-shaped cookies yet. Chop-chop.)

Isn’t it so much better when everyone is doing exactly what I tell them to do? I know! This is what I’ve been saying. I have jobs for everyone in the entire world. Really good ones.

The most important thing is that people are happy, and it’s been scientifically proven that people are happier when controlled by me. I have piles of data. All you need to know is the science is there, okay? Just put on your fruit costume and see how much better you feel. Go ahead. I’ll wait.


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