Best Sandwich Ever

I’m a simple man, with simple needs. For example, if you take a good piece of meat and put it in between two pieces of white bread, then hand it to me, I love you. You can even say mean things while you do it.

Sandwich Maker: Here’s your sandwich, jerkhole. I hate your stupid face.

Me: Mmmmmm… Do you have any of those little mayonnaise packets?

Fortunately, my resident sandwich maker is Mama Sue, and she never, ever has called me a jerkhole or expressed hatred for my face. So I’m sure you can imagine the place she holds in my heart.

This weekend, the most delectable prime rib was the specialty of the week. And when I walked in, she knew what was about to happen. I’m not even sure we spoke. We both knew what was up.

After having the first several bites, I almost put down my beloved prime rib sandwich to write a post about the symphony taking place in my mouth, but the inspiration was overtaken by my natural instincts to keep forcing this thing across my taste buds.

If I’m even THINKING about putting food down to write about it, that is some rocking food. Normally, my policy for unhanding my sandwich is “from my cold, dead hand.” I’ve bitten people. Not really, but I want them to think I will. So if anyone asks, just say, “Oh yeah. That guy will totally bite you if you try to take his sandwich.” I need that kind of press.

I’m just saying that nobody has tried to take my sandwich away and we should all work to that end. I think we can come together on this, because no one wants that scene to play out.

You might be thinking this isn’t even an issue, but most issues aren’t issues until they are issues. I think you can say that about 99% of issues. One day gravity will be gone and you’ll be like, “Oh, that’s a new issue.” But at least you’ll be flying and that’s pretty awesome.

I know I own some responsibility for protecting people from me and I will be taking some precautions. For instance, I bought some police tape to put around me while I’m eating. I also purchased a bullhorn and a little siren.

You don’t have to thank me. I’m a people person and I do my best to blend in. I’m not saying you shouldn’t thank me. I’m just saying I’m the kind of person that doesn’t need appreciation to do good, but you’re welcome.


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