Florida Is Closed For Business

I’m very lucky in that I can work from wherever there is an internet connection, and believe me, I take full advantage of it. What dictates my living arrangement is usually the weather.

For example, when I awoke this morning, my whole body felt like an armpit. I was half way across the room before I could peel the sheets off, and I remember hating air. I might have even swatted at it a couple of times in grumpy morning anger. This is Florida.

I grew up here, so I get how hot it gets, yet every year it feels as if the sun decided to move here and has been migrating for the last 40 years. I mean, it is old and I’m sure very tired. It’s finally ready to relax, play some shuffleboard and drive in front of me wherever I go.

It deserves it. Life-bringer and all. Take a break, guy. I’ll tell you what. You can stay at my place while I go somewhere I can breathe… Maybe walk outside if I feel like it. I know, I know. I won’t be able to use the hood of my car as a grill, but I’ll get by.

As I said, I’m lucky. I just happen to have a little place where the sun still shines, just not in my living room. And it just happens to be one of the most awesome, beautiful places on the planet. So yay for me! And I’ll be there quite soon.

Meanwhile, for those of you considering a vacation to Florida over the next few months, I’ll tell you a quick story. Remember, that’s what I do.

The other day an alligator yelled at me. The day before that, a water moccasin tried to bite my dog. I thought I saw it again so I went to kill it, but it was a different snake, so I let it live, much like the snake a few weeks ago I fought with a stick.

Now I dress like Rambo, peering out of my windows with binoculars, waiting for them to draw first blood.

Of course, you’re not going to see the real truth in the tourism commercials. I’ve tried to correct this by submitting my own ideas to the Florida Tourism Board, but have heard nothing. Maybe if we get together, we can make this happen.

“Come to Florida, but don’t go outside.”

“The mosquitoes are the least of your problems.”

“Sure it’s hot, but… Rollercoasters?”

“You probably won’t get eaten.”

“Don’t forget to monitor hurricane activity before you book!”

“We are closed from May through September.”

“Go to Serendipity Park instead.”

The last one has punch and is perhaps the best advice I could give to anyone considering a vacation to this place.

To my friends at the Dip, I will be there soon and am very much looking forward to seeing everyone.

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