What’s Happening Now? Part Dos

In another exciting installment of What’s Happening Now? (Part Dos. That’s Spanish for something), we’ll cover some exciting topics and some news everyone’s waiting to hear.

We left off with the raffle, the proceeds of which have funded the construction of the Artman Theater. Fergie has coordinated the entire project and can be seen with a bag of money you’re not supposed to mug him for. I was pretty disappointed when I learned that, so please, don’t mug Fergie. (Whatever.)

With that, here we go:

Mayo: So Last year a television production crew was here. I wrote a post about how we might have a reality show, then we didn’t. I looked like a total ass. Fortunately, I am accustomed to that and it didn’t bother me at all. What’s going on with that?

Stuart: You didn’t look like an ass at all. The network’s mom is an ass. After much success with our beloved producers Johnny & Kinga and the production company Fishbowl Productions, the networks decided that we were not what they were looking for, which apparently is pretty freakin’ foul and temptingly disturbing, but certainly not family-friendly. Damn networks. They wanted us to spice it up and so I suggested we could maybe stay up all night playing spin the bottle under strobe lights in a room full of Nerf balls, but that’s apparently not the vision they were going for. They said it had already been done to death.

Mayo: You know what we need? A spaceship. I’ll bet the production companies would be banging down our door to get a piece of that action. Or maybe we can turn it into one of those reality game shows. We can call it, “Get Fergie’s Bag Of Money!” and then we all chase him through the woods with crossbows. Eh?

Stuart: I really dig that idea, I’ll run it by him. He’s always willing to help me out. We can edit in footage from Wanderlust if we need to expand the chase scenes a bit. Hey! And we can wear war-paint like in Lord of the Flies or Friday night 9-ball! I’m liking this idea better and better. I’ve already got some butt-kickin’ ideas for the  soundtrack.

Mayo: That’s right! I forgot he was in that movie. I’m just glad he didn’t write it. So I know we have a long summer ahead, but I’m super impatient and I like candy. What’s going on this Halloween?

Stuart: There’s been talk about making another run at doing a scary haunted house project. Something that’s not weather-dependent. But we need to get started right away. I’m really open to ideas at this point. I’m thinking something that might cause permanent psychological damage to the brave and the bold who dare to enter. There’s a video, I have it here somewhere, of a bunch of us scaring the crap out of some little kids at a fake “séance” we put together once years ago. But these take an insane amount of work. It’s not something we can do well at the last minute. Fortunately there’s two months between Labor Day and Halloween. Which reminds me, “Let’s Make a Deal,” “The Price Is Right,” and “Minute to Win It” return Labor Day weekend, and that’s only 4 weeks away now! I hope each and every person who sees this post can come out and join in the fun. That would be like, a multitude, or something.

Mayo: Something’s been bugging me and I just have to bring it up. Before when I drove my golf cart back and forth to the clubhouse, it was much bouncier. I kind of liked it. Now it seems all smooth and boring. What’s up with that crap?

Stuart: Proceeds from the NASCAR “race poo” are now allocated for road gravel, and we’ll be adding more loads this season until we can proudly point and say “Now that is definitely a road right there!” Also, some drainage work is being planned, so that when we buy an expensive truckload of rocks, we can actually get to keep it for a little while. All of this is made possible by the NASCAR proceeds and the increase in service fees back in June.

Mayo: Well I’m glad NASCAR is finally  doing something other than driving in circles. So I received a notice saying there was going to be a modest price increase. Looking around at all the improvements, it’s easy to see where that money is going. How has that been received?

Stuart: I honestly believe a few folks didn’t even notice, and if so, they didn’t blink. Almost everyone understood we held off as long as we could, heck 7 years is a long time. Seven years ago, “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc was #1 on Billboard’s pop chart. Looking that up just now made my head hurt.

Mayo: I understand you’ve instituted some easier-pay monthly options. How does that work? Before you answer, can I have a Kit-Kat?

Stuart: All I have is Mars. I like almonds. Actually the pay-monthly memberships are no longer offered. We just got burned too much on those. But whoever has one now can keep it as long as they like. (And won’t see the June price increase until their next renewal date.)

Mayo: Beach Ball I and II were truly epic events. Exactly how do you plan to out-do either with Beach Ball III?

Stuart: Ratz in the Attic have already booked, and they are excited about the new stage. Christie Wilson has another engagement unfortunately, but I’m working on getting a couple of nice surprises together. You know there will be various configurations of Whoevers in attendance.

So the folks know, the Whoever Band is comprised of whoever. There are various members with a ton of musical talent and seeing them perform is always a treat. This year, I’ll be doing my rendition of “Stairway to Heaven” with spoons. You don’t want to miss that.



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