Love Lost: A Tragic Story

If you haven’t noticed, it’s been a pretty cold winter at the park. And for the first time in a couple of years, I wasn’t there to experience it.

All I can say about that is, “Woo-hoo! In your face, ice and snow! Who’s your daddy? Uh huh. This guy.”

To further prove I made the weather my bitch this year, I came back to Serendipity Park for a couple days and it was 70 degrees. I mean, there were still patches of snow everywhere, and it was SEVENTY DEGREES.

It’s like weather said, “Hey. Mayo’s coming up. We need to clean this place up before he arrives. But leave a little bit of the prettiness here and there. He’ll like that.” And I did.

I figure it’s the least weather can do for busting a pipe in my bathroom, leading to a weary-eyed, coffee-less Mayo flooding his home, then spending much of his relaxation time pretending to be a plumber. And crying.

But alas, I defeated the faulty pipe with parts I purchased for less than a dollar. A dollar. And then I felt the enormous sense of satisfaction of fixing a pipe. And now I know how to fix a pipe. Isn’t that the most interesting thing you’ve ever heard in your life? I know. But wait… there’s more.

Hardware store lady: Can I help you?

Mayo: Oh thank you. God, yes. Check this plastic thing out. I think I need one of these. And a wrench.

Hardware store lady: Oh ok. We have those fittings right over here. What type of wrench do you need?

Mayo: Uh… a monkey wrench? I figure if a monkey can use one, I’ll figure it out.

Hardware store lady: You probably need a pipe wrench. Do you know what size?

Mayo: Ummm… pipe-size?

Hardware store lady: I think I know what you need. Be right back. (Ducks into aisle and returns with a wrench.) Do you think this will work?

Mayo: Probably. I don’t know. I love you. Are you married?

Hardware store lady: Um… nooo.

Mayo: You should marry me. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but you should.

Hardware store lady: I don’t even know you.

Mayo: Oh, but you do. It took you four seconds to find exactly what I needed. That’s the kind of help I need on an ongoing basis. I usually have no idea what I’m doing. Do you cook?

Hardware store lady: I’m really not interested.

Mayo: It’s always about you, isn’t it? I’m not sure this will work. How much is this plastic thing?

Hardware store lady: Thirty-one cents.

Mayo: Are you giving me a special price because you love me?

Hardware store lady: No. That’s just how much it is.

Mayo: Nothing is thirty-one cents. I think you’re just being shy, like Adrian in Rocky. I get it. Come on out of there, baby. Open up to me.

Hardware store lady: I think you need to leave now.

Mayo: I’m not going anywhere. You leave this time. You can stay at your mother’s.

Hardware store lady: I’m calling the police.

Mayo: Too late. I already did. I told them a crazy woman was attacking me with a wrench.

Hardware store lady: What? When?

Mayo: Before I came in. I thought it might go down this way. They should be here any minute.

I thought long and hard about whether or not to press charges. In the end, I decided it was best for her. I can’t always come to her rescue. Sometimes you have to face the music.

I visit her from time to time, show her pictures of the kids, tell her they miss and love her… things I think will make her time easier. She pounds on the glass and cries.

I know it’s because she misses us.

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4 responses to “Love Lost: A Tragic Story

  1. As usual brilliant. Glad you brought warm weather and sunshine. Wish you could hang around longer if that is what it takes for no more cold and snow. Been there, done that this year, now over it. Cheers.

  2. Glad you are doing well~Hope to see ya soon!

  3. What a story! I laughed, I cried…

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