The thing about the weather is that it changes. Historically, clouds move around the sky. Some have rain, others don’t, but every single time, they go away. It’s the only predictable thing about the weather.
When I awoke Saturday, the sky was falling. It looked pretty bleak and my first thought was, “Oh no. The Beach Party is today.”
What concerned me was that the weather would deter people from coming out. I knew it would clear up, but I also knew people would stay home because of it. I was right in both cases. However, the countless people who did show up were given exactly what was promised.
I hadn’t planned on going until the evening, but I was lured from my cabin by the faint sound of music and people having a blast. I was on my way out, climbing into my car… and I stopped to listen. I then walked back inside, took off my clothes, put on my little man-towel that looks like a skirt, poured myself a drink and headed to the party.
The problem with me and alcohol is that shortly after I drink it, I put a pile of food in front of my bed then eat my way through it. So after hanging out for a couple of hours, I came back to the cabin, built food mountain, scaled it, then passed out at its peak. I am such a wussy.
The good news is for the time I did hang out, I saw good friends, listened to good music and had a great time. Everyone was having a great time. The bad news is I have yet again flaked because I have the alcohol tolerance of a baby squirrel.
What I did get was an opportunity to finally interview Randy, one of the members of Serendipity Park nudist resort, who is about to move to China. You can see the first half-assed interview here. Below is the full-assed interview.
(Mayo approaches, Randy is in pool)
Mayo: Hey Randy! You ready to do that interview?
Mayo: (slides into pool) Okay, as you can see, I have no paper or recording device. I really have no (air quotes) formal training and I also like to do this thing with my hands while I’m talking (air quotes). I’m not even sure what it means but I see people do it and I think it looks pretty cool. How this will work is I’ll ask you some questions, you’ll give me some answers, I’ll not remember them and probably make up most of what you say. I can’t even promise I’m going to listen. Sound okay? (air quotes)
Randy says something like: Absolutely. I trust you completely, like a brother.
Mayo: Excellent. So at 57, you just graduated college and are about to move to China to teach Chinese people how to speak English. What do your friends say about this?
Randy: Well, when I enrolled in school at 54, one woman friend said, “But that means you’ll be 57 when you graduate!” And I said, “True, but I’ll be 57, anyway.”
Mayo: Ha! I bet that shut her face hole good. And so true. It seems your education has no bearing on what’s happening in the space/time continuum. I find that veeeeerry interesting.
Randy: Right… and I had some friends who weren’t too fond of the idea of me moving to China, as if I somehow thought China was better than America. I’ve never said anything of the sort, but some of the detractors would say things like…
Randy: Yes, people who didn’t believe it was a good idea.
Mayo: Oh right. Were there any protractors?
Mayo: Yes, you know, people who were for it. Pro-tractors.
Randy: Ummm… I believe a protractor is a geometry tool used for measuring angles and such.
Mayo: (confused stare) That doesn’t even make any sense. Nothing like that exists. You might want to read some stuff before you try to teach English to people. (rolls eyes) Let’s just move on, okay?
Randy: (icy stare)
Mayo: (air quotes)
Mayo: So you have a pretty manly beard and I almost never see Chinese men with facial hair. How is your appearance received over there?
Randy: Funny that you ask. I went into a barber shop for a haircut and a beard trim. The barber gladly gave me a haircut, but he wouldn’t touch my beard. I mean, he seemed deathly afraid to touch it. He had never done it before.
Mayo: I bet he thought you were a Yeti. “Yeti” is Chinese for Bigfoot. I bet you didn’t know that. Are you a Yeti?
Randy: No, I’m not a Yeti.
Mayo: Prove it. (air quotes) Hey watch this. (makes monster hands, shrieks, climbs steps out of pool and pretends to stomp buildings.) GOD-ZEE-LA! (descends slowly back down steps after wreaking havoc on suntan oil bottles and drinks scattered around pool)
Randy: Um… that was… something, but Godzilla is really a Japanese thing, Mayo. And you broke my glasses.
Mayo: Oh… sorry. In all fairness, Godzilla thought your glasses were a library. (shrieks, monster hands) It’s like, when I get into Godzilla character, I actually see little buildings everywhere. And since when do Yetis need glasses? You’ll be fine, big guy! (scratches Randy’s chin, Randy slaps away hand. Note to self: Yetis don’t like chin scratches) Hey, who do you think would win in a fight between Godzilla and a Yeti?
Randy: I’d say that’s an impossible question.
Mayo: Don’t be ridiculous. Godzilla would smoke a Yeti. I think you’re just biased. I should have never asked a Yeti that question and expected a straight answer. (air quotes)
Randy: I’m not a Yeti, Mayo.
Mayo: Whatever. Say something in Chinese.
Randy: (Inaudible Chinese noise)
Mayo: I don’t think that was Chinese. I think you made that up.
Randy: I assure you, it was Chinese.
Mayo: Okay, then it was an insult. I can tell by the way you said it. I didn’t come here to be insulted, Randy.
Randy: It wasn’t an insult, Mayo. Are we ever going to talk about, you know, me?
Mayo: Hey watch how long I can hold my breath. Time me. (takes deep breath, plugs nose, sinks beneath surface)
What seemed like forever….
Mayo: (springs through surface, gasps for air) How long was that?
Randy: 8 seconds. Listen, I thought this interview was going to be about my experiences and…
Mayo: Watch this (dives, performs awesome handstand, springs from surface, arms to sky) Ta-da!
Randy: Impressive. Listen, I really should be going… over there… to the other side of the pool.
Mayo: Okay I’ll go with you. So, tell me about where you’re going to be living.
Randy: Oh, okay. Well, I have an apartment on campus. It’s really nice. A lot more space than I’m used to, and I even have a Western toilet instead of a squatty-potty.
Mayo: A what? (air quotes)
Randy: A squatty-potty. Essentially, it’s a bowl recessed into the floor, much like a toilet, but you don’t sit on it.
Mayo: (mouth agape)
Randy: They flush and everything.
Mayo: Huh. Well, I really like sitting down. I wouldn’t be a protractor for anything that doesn’t involve sitting. It’s one of my favorite things. So what’s the food like over there?
Randy: From what I can tell, they’ll only eat it if it swims, walks, slithers or breathes. A delicacy there is fried cicada. I had some before I left.
Mayo: (mouth agape)
Randy: It was actually quite delicious.
Mayo: So we are talking about those big locust type things with wings and that strike terror into my soul?
Randy: Yep. Also scorpions. Pretty much anything you can skewer is fair game.
Mayo: (mouth agape)
Mayo: Okay, it’s time to move on before I can never eat again. It sounds like living in Fear Factor land.
Randy: No it’s not that bad. The food is actually quite good.
Mayo: Maybe to the Yeti taste buds. (air quotes)
Randy: You’re not even doing that right. Those are supposed to be quotes and you use them when…
Mayo: Watch this. I can create little whirlpools with my hands. (vigorously stirs water)
Randy: (not impressed, likely because it’s impossible)
Mayo: Okay I’m running out of pool tricks here. I don’t know what else to do. Oh wait! Watch this! (Sinks to bottom, does Russian kick dance, springs from surface, arms to the sky) Ta-da!
Randy: Ummm… speaking of tricks, I’m also a magician. When I travelled in Taiwan I earned food and lodging at different schools and universities by performing magic shows for the students. If you showed up to a school here and offered to do magic in exchange for food and lodging, I don’t imagine it would go over too well.
Mayo: I can tell you from experience it does not work anywhere in this country, especially when you don’t know magic.
Mayo: (air quotes)
Randy: Right. So are we done now?
Mayo: Yep. (raises hand, makes shark fin on head) Du-na… du-na… dunta dunta dunta dunta… dunanunanah!… dunta dunta…. (slowly submerges, swims away)
Randy said some other things like how he’ll spend his January break exploring China, how much he’ll miss us all and his hopes to establish Serendipity Park East. He’ll be back in a year and until then, we’ll miss him greatly. I’d like to thank him for allowing me to misquote him on just about everything, but as I said, I’m not a great listener. (air quotes)