It’s Not Just A Nudist Resort

So inside the walls of Serendipity Park Nudist Resort is pretty awesome. I spend a lot of time here and a lot of people spend a lot of time wishing they could.  Whether you want peace or a party, it can be found right here. And though I’ve been here for just over a year, I’ve really yet to experience what’s going on beyond the perimeter of the nudist park.

As it happens, Helen, GA is right around the corner and one of the most beautiful places in the country. There you can have lunch on the river,  shop, drink, zipline, look at a bear, tube down the river, buy alcohol at a place called “Helen Cellar” and look at stuff. That’s what I did a couple of months ago. Check this out:

Sometimes I’ll sit and have coffee here. I like it because it’s pretty, and pretty things are nice.

This is me having lunch on the river. I also like lunch.

These are flowers. You’ve probably seen them before, but these are grouped nicely and again the whole nice/pretty rule applies.

This is the best Helen Keller joke on a building ever.

This is a fountain. Behind it are buildings. There are people, too.

This is a street performer that stayed still until you gave him money, then he played the banjo. He really creeped me out.

If you have a motorcycle, you’ll find some of the longest, most scenic country roads you’ll see anywhere. If you’re a bike owner, you probably already know about this place.

Also , whitewater kayaking is approximately 5 miles from here, and having never done it before, I really wanted to. As probably the biggest fan of doing things I want to do, I put the plan into action and a couple of hours later I was shooting the hooch like a professional (professional wrestler).

After my river adventure, I pulled up to the dock at the rental place and decided I had an awesome time. Since it’s only a few minutes from my house, I decided that a kayak would be a wise investment. Bam. A hobby is born.

Later that night, I found myself in Walmart, as I often do. There’s not much open at midnight and that’s when I’m in full impulse buying swing. And the home shopping networks have yet to figure out a way to make what I bought materialize in front of me immediately like Wonka Vision. When they do, I am a customer.

In impulse mode, I don’t even need anything and I’m not even sure I’m conscious. In this case, it was as if I woke up in front of the kayak display. Twenty minutes later, I’m standing in the Walmart parking lot installing a roof rack for my new boat. Ahhhh yeahhhh….

As you can imagine, I could hardly contain my excitement. I now have my own boat and a star to sail her by. Oh Captain, My Captain. Me.

When I arrived at the kayaking rental place, I ran into a friendly river paddler I’d met the day before. He had been giving me some tips (like how to not die) and telling me about the regulars who frequent that part of the river.  Since I had rented the day before and had shown up with my own boat the very next day, I knew he’d be impressed.

Guy: Hey! How you doing? I guess you liked it, huh?

Me: I did! So much I got my own boat. What do you think?

Guy: Hey that’s nice! You know what you need though?

Me: What?

Guy: A whitewater kayak.

Me: (dumb stare) Ummm… a whitewater kayak?

Guy: Yeah! That’s a lake kayak.

Other guy: Yeah I had one of those! It will work as long as you keep patching the holes.

Me: (I hate you both.) Huh.

Stupid man in my brain: Okay, so it’s not ideal, right? Sure, it’s not designed for it, but it floats and we’re here.

Me: This is true. It does float and we are here.

Guy: Who are you talking to?

Me: Please don’t interrupt.

Stupid man in my brain: That should shut him up. Don’t listen to him. It’s a fine craft. Seaworthy as they come. Arghhh. Are you a man or a girly girl? Girl!! Girly girl!!

Me: Shut up!! Shut up!!

Guy: Hey man I was just trying to help.

Other guy: (Backs away slowly)

When we finally reached the water, I was not discouraged. The first waterfall went fine, the second even better and I only crushed in the nose of the boat once. It was a successful trip and I wanted more. What were these guys talking about? Whitewater kayak whatever. Stupid man in my brain was right for once. We’re going back again.

The next time I now felt like I had my chops. I had earned my stripes, paid my dues, etc. I am a paddler. I knew what to do, where to go and my girl was doing just fine. That was, until… I learned the difference between a whitewater kayak and a lake kayak. Huh.

Apparently, lake kayaks aren’t designed to go over waterfalls. Sometimes they just keep going downward. Then there’s this giant hole that fills your entire boat with water. Before you know it, you’re chest high in water, holding a paddle,  sitting under a rushing waterfall, and watching all your crap float away. Therein lies the difference between a lake kayak and a whitewater kayak.

Stupid man in my brain: This isn’t good. You know I never give you good advice. I don’t know why you listen to me.

Me: I’m a little busy right now. Trying not to die over here. Give me a minute.

Stupid man in my brain: You never close your eyes, anymore when I kiss your lips…

Me: That is so not helping. Please stop. Do you have any ideas on how to get our boat off the bottom and/or keeping us alive? I’m getting out of the boat.

Stupid man in my brain: There’s no tenderness, like before in your fingertips…

Me: You are the least helpful ever. Ow! These rocks hurt. I think I just broke my shin.

Stupid man in my brain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You’re trying hard not to show it…

Me: Okay… I think we’re in the clear. Any ideas on how to get this 800 lb boat off the bottom of this rushing river?

Stupid man in my brain: I dunno. But baaaaaby… baby I know it!

Me: I hate you.

Without the help of my friend, an elongated 10′ bottle submerged at my feet, standing in a river in the middle of woods at dusk trying to locate my shoe, and draining my cell phone, I decided to use sheer anger and hate to remove it, probably tearing every muscle I had in the process. The wookie roar could be heard from space. You might have heard it. That was me.

The paddle back was aggravating. I just wanted to go home. So I got a large pizza, ate the entire thing in the car and went into hibernation. Needless to say, I’m going again on Thursday.


8 responses to “It’s Not Just A Nudist Resort

  1. First of all, I’m sorry I laughed at you when the waterfall took you down. However, I’m still insanely jealous of you. So, so jealous.

  2. Ok, so now we know where to go to see you. Helen

  3. At least you didn’t purchase a sailboat or a SeaDoo and try to go down the river! You are smarter than you think 😉

  4. Glad you found Helen. I remember the first time I ended up there. I came around a curve and was like, “What the hell am I doing in Germany?” It felt like something straight out of the twilight zone. Keep it up with the kayaking thing. I’ve got one here (and living right on a lake), and it’s quite a workout, but a lot of fun.

  5. That did it….Timm was correct…I will fit in nicely with you bunch of bananas…my words…not his. I am taking off my clothes this minute..jump in my kayak..(little red caboose behind the train, train) paddle to the boards..damn the gas prices.. and heading for the Dip…via Helen “the cellar” Keller’s place for supplies… Manny…you are a terrific story teller…reminds me of another smart-ass wordsmith I know…love it. If you cannot laugh at yourself, what are you doing in the audience..right?

  6. Forgive..dumb-ass me…not Manny…Mayo…I had Manny on the brain..nevermind…forget it…. my head and ass ain’t wired together correctly anyway…the bottom-half speaks to quickly…

  7. What a Hoot! Can’t wait for your first trout fishing excursion!

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