I haven’t been to a Halloween party in about twenty years, and that ended badly. Let’s just say I was wearing a diaper, a bonnet, holding a teddy bear, was one of four people dressed up like anything, and a giant we used to call “Grape Ape” decided he wanted to beat me up.
Of course, everyone else at the party wanted to see the legendary Grape Ape dismantle another innocent party-goer, as it was typical and almost not a party until he humiliated someone. And what better target than the guy dressed up like a baby? It’s humiliation galore. Had I not been wearing a baby costume and the target of the potential assault, I might have been chanting “Grape Ape” along with the dozens of others. That’ll teach me.
If you’ve never been wearing a baby costume while simultaneously having a large group of people chanting for you to be bludgeoned by a Yeti, then you’re probably doing something right. I was clearly not doing whatever it is you are.
Anywho, long story short, I was able to avoid destruction at the hands of this true freak-of-nature. I’d like to say it was because once confronted, I delivered a powerful head-kick that taught the monster a lesson he wouldn’t soon forget. And since I’m writing the story, that’s exactly what I’m going to say. So there. It was amazing. Best kick ever. Wish you were there.
Since then, I’ve avoided baby costumes, Halloween parties and jilting women adored by large, angry men. Oh, did I forget to mention that part? Whatever. He was still in the wrong and she didn’t like him, anyway. Take that, Grape Ape.
So tonight we create new, happy Halloween party memories, and I’ll even try to limit my alcohol consumption to retain said memories.
I don’t want to paint a picture of a bunch of people who can’t control their drinking. That’s just me. I don’t get out much and when I do… well… at 2:00 am, you might find me asking if you can cook me breakfast at your house, which will sound something like, “Eggsausage? Mmmm biisgiit…..food.”
Amazingly, at least at this nudist resort, someone will say, “Sure! Come on up!” and feed you awesome food until you burst. (Thank you, kind, kind feeders of the drunk and obnoxious.)
Despite the cold weather, the cars are rolling in and I can already see it’s going to be a great time. I understand there’s going to be a band and this is one of the bigger events of the year. It’s very exciting.
I just finished insulating my box in the woods with expanding foam, which is now all over my hands and has coated my skin with a sticky goo that I can’t seem to remove. The can says that’s a bad thing, and I’m sure it is.
Starting to get dizzy now… seeing spots and stuff. Probably shouldn’t have tried to lick it off. Had it actually removed the sticky goo, it might have been worth it, but now I’m kind of sleepy and my hand is stuck to my tongue.
Well, I should probably go ahead and call 911 before the party. Does anyone know the number? Forget it. I’ll just call information. Does anyone have the number to information?