My First Nudist Accident

It’s Monday, the rain is here and simultaneously urging everyone back to their normal lives.  It’s a little sad knowing that many of the people I’ve met and now consider friends won’t be back for a while, but it’s also nice to know that many will be here all Winter long. Not to be naked, necessarily, but to be with friends.

The residents call me “Hermit” and I kind of like it. But only because it reminds me of “Kermit” when people say it. I like rhymes and muppets, so I call it a win-win.

What I don’t like is the distinction, and partially why I came to a nudist park was to become a more social animal (like Kermit). I’ve never been comfortable in crowds or even making new friends, so I figured you really couldn’t hang out naked with people and not interact. Plus, I thought it would be a great place to gather some writing inspiration and, I guess, live life rather than watch it float by.

As it turns out, all of the reasons I came here and the changes I was trying to force in my life are now coming to fruition. I’m really enjoying the social interaction, and much more than I ever thought I could.  My time here has been perpetually pleasant and becomes more so each day. And then, it happened.

In a couple of my earlier posts, or one of them, I don’t know, hangover… I talked about tackling some construction projects while completely naked. Here and here. (I looked it up, despite all of the extra work. That’s how much I care about your experience.)

I’ve built stuff with scrap wood laden with rusty nails, used multiple power tools (incorrectly), and have somehow managed to not severely injure myself. And when I consider this, I giggle at the irony of my first nudist accident being caused by a grasshopper.  (That’s right, a grasshopper. Or something that looks like a grasshopper, but it flies, and therefore scares the crap out of me.)

I was on my way to the last bash of the weekend and as I left my cabin, my motion-sensing light came on. And as usual, the flying grasshopper smashed his face into it. Then I started thinking, “I’m so glad I don’t have an instinct built-in that makes me throw myself face first into any light source I see.” Then I smirked, because I amuse myself.

Anyway, I think it knew I was making fun of it. We locked eyes, and it was clear I was in a standoff of some kind. This doorway wasn’t big enough for the both of us.  The question became, “Who is going to make the first move?”

As if reading my mind, the beast seemed to sense I was contemplating my next course of action. And rather than allow me time to strategize, he leaped with vampire-like speed and came directly for my manhood.

Big mistake, grasshopper.

There are few natural instincts that are as evolved or as honed as those of a man protecting his penis from attack. It was like the training kicked in, as if I were some kind of naked Jason Bourne.  The blinding speed at which my right hand moved without thought surprised the grasshopper, and even me.

The mighty blow sent him reeling.  He hadn’t anticipated the repercussions of his actions, nor how vehemently I would defend my sacred turf. He obviously hadn’t considered that I would rather bludgeon my man-stuff with a vicious right hook than let a bug anywhere near it.

Then again, maybe he knew exactly what he was doing.

I’d like to welcome back the fearless Stuey from his brief medical leave and we’ll be doing an interview on that soon. I’d also like to offer a special thanks to Manny for pulling together a 3-night party and “Mannying” the bar all three nights. (See? This is why I crack myself up.) To all my new friends, I truly enjoyed meeting you and look forward to drinking weird, but tasty stuff with you again.

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9 responses to “My First Nudist Accident

  1. Ok, you caught me. I might as well fess up. Since I now own the spot behind you and plan to be living there soon, I felt I should know what’s going on. Having the high ground, I often notice you sitting on your little deck beside your little log cabin on your computor and wonder, “What is this cat up to?”.Is he a CIA opperative? Or, perhaps a sleeper cell. So, in the spirit of park security, I launched one of my preditor drones. Yeah, they look a bit like grasshoppers. However, I need to tweak the programming a bit. Your motion light must have caught it’s sensor and it was not supposed to key on your “manhood”. Perhaps I have a gay drone. Have to look into that. It is programed not to observe your neighbor in purple though. Some things are on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know there. Anyway, sorry for the intrusion. I’ll try to be more in stealth mode from now on.

    • I’d appreciate you keeping your penis attacking drones in the cage. I’m more than happy to answer any questions. Anything to not have to punch myself in the nuts again.

  2. Damn, I dont know which was better …. urs Clay or urs Tim…. let’s call it a draw for the time being. U guys are bloody fantastic, I think there are possibilities of a point, counter point on going writing challenge.

    The rain may have curtailed the weekend a bit early but OH what a weekend. I am sorry for anyone that did not make it!!!

    Special kudo’s to Paul, Stuart, Patty, Vic, Manny and Ara…everyone that made this such a spectacular, memorable weekend. How wonderful it is to have this place and to celebrate both new and old friendships!!!

    For the most part, this Nudist Park brings out the very best in people!!! How fortunate we are.

    • Thanks, Greg. It was an awesome weekend. It must have been, because this is exactly the type of thing that would usually ruin mine.

  3. OMG, I just walked away from the computer and realized……oh crap…..Tim is with two MM’s. It is Timm folks, dont make the same mistake LOL.

  4. Caught that just in time Greg. I was about to launch another drone

  5. Mayopie, considering ur proximity to alien life forms and drones of a different sort, I suspect u should invest in if nothing else a couple of fly swatters!!! I have other suggestions and comments but in the interest of preserving my right to return to the Dip….I must be nice however difficult that is to do….and oh how this hurts me….LOL.

  6. Hey, … I dont know if you even know who I am, but im Vic and Tracy’s son. But i read the entery about the “grass hopper” and i just decided i would let you know that they are in fact a breed of cicada. 🙂 i see them all the time on the front porch and they like to group around my porch light. And i had an experience alot like that the other night walking home from Stewarts house. What had happened is i was walking up the stairs onto my porch and i saw a cicada staring directly at me on the top step. (I was on the 3rd or 4th step) but i stared at it for maby 10 seconds and it jumped straight for my eye. I pulled out the “Magic Ninjutisu” and upper-cut that little cicada. … then i was afraid i hurt it and i checked him out and he hoped away.

  7. Mayo, what is the link to ur other blog and ur email? Reply go gregbazemore@earthlink.net. Thanks. Happy after Labor Day Weekend everyone. I am still recovering from last weekend but omg it was fun.

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