Living In A Nudist Resort

As explained in my last post, I was in Florida for a month and upon my return, the girlfriend and I decided to live apart so that we can focus on our different goals.

My goals involve staring at a mountain, then staring at the television, taking a naked walk when I feel like it, whittling sticks, staring at trees, etc. I’m pretty much there.

I do have some writing goals, but bla bla. You don’t want to hear about that right now. You probably want to know what it’s like to live in a nudist park, and while I can only speak for this one, it’s basically AWESOME.

My life is a naked picnic. Cast all the stones you like. I’ll be tossing them back with a smile.  I sit in my peaceful cabin, write what I like to think are jokes and watch 90’s Jean Claude Van Damme flicks. Despite the last part of that sentence, it’s still AWESOME.

The downside has been having no satellite or cable, which has forced me to watch movies that make my brain bleed. You heard me. Forced. I can not be expected to read or be alone with my thoughts. You try spending some time with my thoughts and then we’ll see if you’re all, “Oh, you should be alone with your thoughts.”

Anyway, I can name some of these horrific films, but I’m afraid I’ll start having convulsions if I try to recall them. I’d like to pretend it was all a bad dream and that Nicolas Cage would only ever do that to me in a nightmare. Right, Nic? Can I call you Nic? Great. Stop it, Nic.

The good news is that I got satellite installed today and I can’t begin to describe my happiness. No more movie vending machines, no more reading descriptions like, “coming of age” and “best film of the year, says Herman Shnedelnecker of the Poughkeepsie Monthly Recipe E-mail Newsletter.” No more.

Today I begin to live like a human being again, pointing and pressing buttons to reveal hundreds of things I won’t watch, but need to know are available to me.

I’ll still watch bad movies, but now I can change the channel to something else bad. Or even record bad movies and watch them later. My poor entertainment options have just exploded, basically, and now I can aimlessly wander the television guide for hours, the way God intended for man. It’s very exciting.

Like today, I’ve had a couple of people here to perform services and when I tell them they’re coming to a nudist resort, you can almost hear them smile. When they get here, they look like little boys that just got a free pass into the girls’ locker room. They want to see naked people. Everyone does.

When a man runs onto a baseball field naked, people cheer. No one turns their head in disgust. Everyone loves to see a naked dude running, and you’ll always notice that particular dude, at the time, is the happiest dude in the world (at least until he is viciously gang tackled). I don’t know why, but we love it and we cheer when it happens.

Maybe it’s because it’s taboo, or maybe we admire the bravery. Maybe we wish we could be so confident and fearless (or drunk) that we could run through a packed stadium while naked and without a care in the world.  Maybe it’s because, for that brief moment in time, we all get to experience a little bit of freedom by seeing something we’re not supposed to see.

I’ll leave the philosophical nonsense to you. I just like walking around naked, so as a recap, living here is AWESOME. Right now I’m eating Pringles and watching a Van Damme movie called Sudden Death. Out of all the martial arts movies that take place in a hockey stadium during a hockey game, it’s easily in the top ten.


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