I’m Like Batman But Without All The Cool Toys

Around this time of year, people at the Dip start to say, “Hey, Where’s Mayo?” Then Stuey explains how the cold weather is the ninja smoke in which I disappear. So for those of you wondering, poof. I’m not there.

My issue more revolves around the fact that my cabin is more like a tent made of wood, or something built by beavers. And my tolerance for cold is much like my tolerance for panthers chewing on my legs. So poof. Like Batman, I’m gone.

No matter, the party will go on without me. (Like it usually does.) In fact, the schedule of events in the upcoming months is packed with awesome things. From what I understand, more stuff is going on at the Dip through the colder months than ever before. Not to mention the big upgrades like the on-premises nightclub.

There are also plenty of ways to warm your butt. A huge hot tub, roomy sauna and a big fire pit will do the trick. The Dip will be an oasis in an otherwise dreary, freezing land of desolation and despair. (Can you tell I hate the cold? I really do. I bet Batman hates being cold. The guy is covered from head to toe all the time. Have you ever seen Batman wearing a tank top? No. I’m just trying to make the case that we are mostly the same. And how do you know I’m not a billionaire who fights crime in the shadows of night? You don’t. It could be that I’m just not flashy about it. Frankly, I think Wayne is a little careless in the way he goes about protecting his super identity. I might even bring it up in the next meeting. I do need a butler, though. “Jeeves! Cheese sticks! And gas up the Mayomobile. Don’t forget to put chocolate milk in my thermos. You didn’t last time and you know I can’t battle injustice without my chocolate milk.” Then he’d say in that funny little accent I love, “Sorry, sir. Right away.” Then I would say, “And make sure the dvr is set up to record The Deadliest Catch. I thought I set up a series recording but I guess it didn’t take.” And he’d say, “Yes, sometimes you have to hit the confirm button. Did you do that?” And I’d be like, “I don’t know, Jeeves. I have a lot going on. Can you just do it or should I stay home and let crime take over the world tonight?” I love him, but sometimes I feel like I have to do everything.)

For those of you who don’t have a full agenda, here is the calendar of events.

Accommodations For Oktoberfest in Helen, GA

So it’s Oktoberfest in Helen, Ga, and I understand there are tons and tons and tons of people walking around, eating schnitzel, drinking beer, eating other stereotypical German foods, etc. Many don’t know this, but Serendipity Park is only a stone’s throw away.

I’ve been to Helen several times and I always enjoy it. It’s quite beautiful, as is the entire area. There are shops, restaurants, places to fish (though I wouldn’t recommend it this month), and several ways a couple or family can kill some time and enjoy themselves. In fact, many visitors of the park were visiting Helen and said, “Hey, we should check out this nudist park. It’s only ten minutes away.” Then they come, fall in love, become a member and enjoy the rest of their lives. True story. So if you’re looking for accommodations for Oktoberfest in Helen, Ga, check this out:

Hotel rooms are for chumps. No offense, hotel people. I didn’t mean to call you “chumps.” That was just mean. Let me take that back and restate:

Hotel rooms are for chumps. Damn it. I’m sorry. Once I get something in my head I can’t get it out. I obsess. Chumps. Stop it! Ok I have to try again. Please be patient with me. I have issues.

I’m just saying for what is likely less money than you are paying right now, you can be staying in your own cabin with full amenities. Furthermore, without getting arrested, you can walk out on your balcony naked and stare at Mount Yonah. I’ve done this many times and, I have to tell you, it’s the best way to stare at a mountain. I don’t know why. It just is.

But isn’t it too cold to hang out naked? That’s a question a chump would ask. I’m sorry. I did it again. It’s an excellent question. The answer is “No.” It might be the best time of year. At least for me. The days are beautiful. At night, you’ve got clothes, a hot tub, a sauna, an on-site night club with some of the best parties I have ever been to… I mean, it makes Helen look like a chump. Damn it. I’m sorry. Helen is not a chump.

I was a mean kid. I’ll admit it. Sometimes when I write (always), the kid in me comes out and I say things I don’t mean. If only there were a way I could take these things back, I totally would. All I can really do is ask for your forgiveness.

Here’s the info you need: http://serendipitywebsite.wordpress.com/rates/

Labor Day Weekend Is Here!

I’m a very busy man. Most days when I awaken, I have no idea what I’m going to do. Sometimes I do, but more often than not, I don’t do that and do something else.

For example, today I was supposed to do something worky… a chore, I think. But then I said to myself, “If I don’t build that makeshift jeep top for my golf cart today, it will never get done.”

So here we are, kids. Labor Day weekend. It’s upon us. 4 days of fun in the sun. The Sunper Bowl? (I like mixing words up. I’m not sure if I like this one, but my mind is on other things. I’m not your dancing word monkey. Get off my back!)

The crew has been busily preparing for what promises to be the best weekend ever here at the Dip. I’m excited. Are you excited? No? Listen, you and I need to get together and work on your attitude a little. Perhaps we can do it over a game of Kan Jam? I don’t want to tell you how to live your life… Wait. I do want to tell you how to live your life. I’m sorry. I say that a lot but I really do want to. And you should just let me. Let me do it for a week and see if you like it. Here’s what you should do today:

Ok, throw whatever is in your hand right now at the first guy you see.* Don’t worry. He deserves it. You are in the middle of something right now and he’s messing with your moment. He’s probably saying something like, “What the hell was that all about?” This is a common response. Just go with it. It’s a learning moment for both of you. Cherish it and hope he does the same. Be assertive and say, “I don’t need your crap right now.”

This is the first step in taking control of your life (except for this week, because I’ve got that). Ok I think that’s enough for today. Tomorrow we’ll start lesson 2, which is,”Mending fences and taking responsibility for hurting others.” By Friday, I assure you, you will be ready for some fun and relaxation.

So what’s in store? Stuart has more fun planned than you can imagine. Certainly more than I can handle. (That’s usually because I’m full of some type of cheese.) And as per usual, I’m sure the energy will be at its peak. If you’ve never been here, or have been here (I believe that covers everyone in the world), this would be the weekend to visit. (Whole world will not fit. Just FYI. You never know when everyone is going to start listening to you.)

Oh and I forgot to mention. I’ve got my own unveiling of a little project I’ve been working on these last 8 weeks. It is so dumb. Like, the dumbest thing ever. Though the people who have seen it really seem to love it. They’ll say things like, “Why?” and “You have too much time on your hands” and “Are you sure it won’t hurt people?” That’s when I know I’ve accomplished what it is I set out to do.

So remember, I get to tell you what to do this week. No cheating. If you stray from my direction, in any way, I cannot guarantee results.** I should also add that I’m not a doctor and you should probably consult one before getting on this program or any other.

* Do not throw things at people.
** I can’t guarantee results even if you listen to me. In fact, listening to me is a bad idea and no one should ever do it, including me, but I don’t have a choice.

What’s Happening Now? Part Dos

In another exciting installment of What’s Happening Now? (Part Dos. That’s Spanish for something), we’ll cover some exciting topics and some news everyone’s waiting to hear.

We left off with the raffle, the proceeds of which have funded the construction of the Artman Theater. Fergie has coordinated the entire project and can be seen with a bag of money you’re not supposed to mug him for. I was pretty disappointed when I learned that, so please, don’t mug Fergie. (Whatever.)

With that, here we go:

Mayo: So Last year a television production crew was here. I wrote a post about how we might have a reality show, then we didn’t. I looked like a total ass. Fortunately, I am accustomed to that and it didn’t bother me at all. What’s going on with that?

Stuart: You didn’t look like an ass at all. The network’s mom is an ass. After much success with our beloved producers Johnny & Kinga and the production company Fishbowl Productions, the networks decided that we were not what they were looking for, which apparently is pretty freakin’ foul and temptingly disturbing, but certainly not family-friendly. Damn networks. They wanted us to spice it up and so I suggested we could maybe stay up all night playing spin the bottle under strobe lights in a room full of Nerf balls, but that’s apparently not the vision they were going for. They said it had already been done to death.

Mayo: You know what we need? A spaceship. I’ll bet the production companies would be banging down our door to get a piece of that action. Or maybe we can turn it into one of those reality game shows. We can call it, “Get Fergie’s Bag Of Money!” and then we all chase him through the woods with crossbows. Eh?

Stuart: I really dig that idea, I’ll run it by him. He’s always willing to help me out. We can edit in footage from Wanderlust if we need to expand the chase scenes a bit. Hey! And we can wear war-paint like in Lord of the Flies or Friday night 9-ball! I’m liking this idea better and better. I’ve already got some butt-kickin’ ideas for the  soundtrack.

Mayo: That’s right! I forgot he was in that movie. I’m just glad he didn’t write it. So I know we have a long summer ahead, but I’m super impatient and I like candy. What’s going on this Halloween?

Stuart: There’s been talk about making another run at doing a scary haunted house project. Something that’s not weather-dependent. But we need to get started right away. I’m really open to ideas at this point. I’m thinking something that might cause permanent psychological damage to the brave and the bold who dare to enter. There’s a video, I have it here somewhere, of a bunch of us scaring the crap out of some little kids at a fake “séance” we put together once years ago. But these take an insane amount of work. It’s not something we can do well at the last minute. Fortunately there’s two months between Labor Day and Halloween. Which reminds me, “Let’s Make a Deal,” “The Price Is Right,” and “Minute to Win It” return Labor Day weekend, and that’s only 4 weeks away now! I hope each and every person who sees this post can come out and join in the fun. That would be like, a multitude, or something.

Mayo: Something’s been bugging me and I just have to bring it up. Before when I drove my golf cart back and forth to the clubhouse, it was much bouncier. I kind of liked it. Now it seems all smooth and boring. What’s up with that crap?

Stuart: Proceeds from the NASCAR “race poo” are now allocated for road gravel, and we’ll be adding more loads this season until we can proudly point and say “Now that is definitely a road right there!” Also, some drainage work is being planned, so that when we buy an expensive truckload of rocks, we can actually get to keep it for a little while. All of this is made possible by the NASCAR proceeds and the increase in service fees back in June.

Mayo: Well I’m glad NASCAR is finally  doing something other than driving in circles. So I received a notice saying there was going to be a modest price increase. Looking around at all the improvements, it’s easy to see where that money is going. How has that been received?

Stuart: I honestly believe a few folks didn’t even notice, and if so, they didn’t blink. Almost everyone understood we held off as long as we could, heck 7 years is a long time. Seven years ago, “Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin’)” by T-Pain featuring Yung Joc was #1 on Billboard’s pop chart. Looking that up just now made my head hurt.

Mayo: I understand you’ve instituted some easier-pay monthly options. How does that work? Before you answer, can I have a Kit-Kat?

Stuart: All I have is Mars. I like almonds. Actually the pay-monthly memberships are no longer offered. We just got burned too much on those. But whoever has one now can keep it as long as they like. (And won’t see the June price increase until their next renewal date.)

Mayo: Beach Ball I and II were truly epic events. Exactly how do you plan to out-do either with Beach Ball III?

Stuart: Ratz in the Attic have already booked, and they are excited about the new stage. Christie Wilson has another engagement unfortunately, but I’m working on getting a couple of nice surprises together. You know there will be various configurations of Whoevers in attendance.

So the folks know, the Whoever Band is comprised of whoever. There are various members with a ton of musical talent and seeing them perform is always a treat. This year, I’ll be doing my rendition of “Stairway to Heaven” with spoons. You don’t want to miss that.

 

What’s Happening Now?

So I was gone for several months and boy did they suck. I’m back now and enjoying myself immensely. This place is just so much fun, so relaxing, and you are simply doing yourself a disservice by not coming.

In fact, we’ve already set a record for new attendees. You know what that means? It means people are getting it. And you will, too.

The park looks so much different from when I left. Fresh paint, fresh gravel, new showers, new menu, etc. It was nice before, but now it’s… Nicer (I’m a writer). I was so impressed I had to get an exclusive interview with Stuart, the Czar of fun and other things. Let’s see what he has to say.

Mayo: I’ve been gone for a while. Things seem different. Different confuses me, so I have some questions.

Stuart: Totally understand man. Different can be unnerving. God, I hope they don’t do an un-nerving on Game of Thrones, I don’t think I could watch that. Anyhow, fire away, but first of all let me say the improvements you see are the result of a heck of a lot of people putting in a heck of a lot of hours getting this place fixed up. There’s more we want to do yet, but the folks who helped make this springtime spruce-up come to pass should be very, very proud, and I don’t have adequate words of thanks.

Mayo: The people here are amazing. The sense of community is like none I’ve ever felt. It inspires me to help, but not enough to actually do it. So I kept seeing this naked guy building some giant structure with a stage under it. I offered my assistance, he said “sure” and then I ran away. It looks done now so I think I’m in the clear. What’s it for?

Stuart: Yeah that. Well, Fergie had this idea to make a covered stage happen, so we wouldn’t be TOTALLY at the mercy of Mother Nature for music festivals and other stuff we haven’t thought of yet, you know, like stuff that we could do when we have a covered stage. Mother Nature and I are not exactly on the best of terms sometimes so it has to have a roof. Fergie had the idea, and then he raised the dough, rallied the donors and volunteers, made the calls and did the leg work with the county (and I am NOT getting started on THAT nightmare.) The naked guy you saw over there is Scott L, busily making it look awesome. The structure, I mean. In the final stages, he had lots of help too. The project’s close to done, just have to make sure we get enough electricity over there to power all the onstage awesome that’s going to happen.

Mayo: I saw all those guys helping! I offered my assistance, but I was pretty far away and I’m not sure I said it out loud. Scott, Fergie and all who helped deserve a big round of applause, for sure. Speaking of Fergie, I see him walking around with a bag of money and giving people tickets. It’s hard to trust a naked man with a bag of money and tickets. Are we putting in a rollercoaster? Because that would be awesome. I’ll definitely help build that.*

* I won’t help.

Stuart: Yeah, strangely enough, the county guy had NO PROBLEM with a rollercoaster. He said we didn’t even need a sewer permit for it. Then he got on the phone and whispered for a really long time. Actually Fergie has got the tickets for the raffle, you can trust him, he’s at least 93% likely to be 99% legit most of the time. The drawing was held Independence Day weekend. That raffle will finish off the Artman Theater construction. After that, we’ll continue to hold raffles and other summer contests to raise funds to make Beach Ball 3 the transcendent music festival it is destined to be. I’m sure Nostradamus must have obscurely mentioned it somewhere in dubiously vague terms.

Mayo: Well the stage looks fantastic and the raffle thing sounds great. I’ll be rethinking mugging him. (No promises, though.)

So that concludes part 1 of what will continue to be a very exciting interview with important updates like, “Will there be a TV Show?” (Probably not. Crap. I just gave it away.)

 

 

4th of July!

Can you feel the excitement? I know you can. It’s palpable, in your face, adrenaline-charging energy. It’s the Super Bowl of fun and it’s on our doorstep.

Sure, you can scramble across town to some parking lot somewhere, look at the sky for ten minutes, say “ooohhh” in synchronicity with a crowd of dazzled light show enthusiasts, say three different times, “Was that the finale? I think it was. No wait. This is the finale. We better get out of here before people start leaving” then jump in the car and say, “What is this idiot doing? Oh this guy is an idiot. Show’s over, pal! Vertical pedal on the right!”

You can do this, but can we be frank for a moment? (Frank won’t mind. I borrow him all the time.)

Fireworks are cool, but are they worth the aggravation? I mean, maybe if it were David Blaine shooting them out of his fingertips and blowing them out with ice breath. I’d endure the traffic and crowds to see that.

But no. It’s a couple of guys pressing buttons.

This is not to take away from the profession. Sitting anywhere near a pile of gun powder to entertain people for a brief period of time is more than I’m willing to do. The best you’ll get from me is a thirty-second sparkler show before I throw it on the ground. That’s my finale. “Did you see that? One of those sparks almost hit my arm. That was a close one! You stay here and make sure it goes out. Ta-da!”

So is there a point to all of this? Nope. I like making fun of things.

Oh wait. There is a point. Dammit. I always forget the point.

Dammit. I forgot it again.

Oh well it wasn’t important. So anyway, sparklers. Exploding fire on a stick. Here ya go, kids! Have fun!

Ok I remembered. Fireworks are cool, but they are nowhere near as cool as what’s happening at Serendipity Park on 4th of July weekend.

There will be live music, there will be karaoke, there will be games all day, there will be dancing, there will be relaxing poolside, napping, delicious food, AND sparklers.

Then after you’re done watching my fireworks show finale and throwing away the burned out stick, rather than get in your car and yell at decent people, you can hit the dance floor before a short walk to a glorious slumber. Doesn’t that sound better than unreasonably flipping off people and honking?

I don’t want to beat a dead horse, but I don’t want a beat a live one, either. I never really thought about the first guy that came up with the saying. I’m guessing he came across a guy hitting a dead horse. If I were him, I wouldn’t have talked to that guy.

“You know, you shouldn’t beat a dead horse.”

And that was probably the last thing he ever said. That’s why it’s a saying now.

Anyway, space is filling up fast. I’m not even sure there is any. I could ask, but I’d have to pick up the phone and that’s a whole thing.

I’m a busy man. I can’t be picking up the phone every once in a while and getting answers to simple questions. I have people to see, lunches to do, next levels of video games to achieve, walls to stare at (they aren’t going to stare at themselves).

So you are just going to have to pick up the phone and call. Let me get the number.

Actually, you get the number. Here you go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Breakfast Club

If you read this blog, you’ve probably read several stories about my drunken adventures, but I don’t think that paints an accurate picture of what happens here. It just paints pictures of what happens to me from time to time.

You see, I don’t drink that often, but when I do, guard your cup.

What I often fail to point out are all the fun and games that happen during the day. I mean, I point them out, but I don’t experience many of them because they happen in the sun. That thing is hot. Some people like it. Plants love it. I think it’s out to get me.

So if you’re one of those “sunnies” that likes to do things while that obnoxious ball of fire shines on you, then I don’t think there’s a better place to be. On the other hand, if you’re like me and the sun is your enemy, you can simply enjoy the peace somewhere in the shade.

When the sun goes down is when I go up. I did make an exception yesterday and played some kan-jam, but that was under the perfect amount of cloud cover that seemed to last, coincidentally, exactly as long as I wanted to play. I’m pretty sure I’m controlling them with my mind.

After having had a ton of fun the night before, I promised my attendance that evening and even went one further. I had organized a 1 am breakfast plan, secured the willing chef and hosts for this early morning affair, pronounced my intention to go to the store and buy a feast then return with my party hat firmly secured to my scalp.

Honestly, I was excited. There are few things better than eating bacon at 1 am. (I can only think of one and you can only do that in space.) In fact, all my breakfast talk made me hungry, so for the second time that day I stopped by the cafe’ for a delicious cheese steak sandwich. Then I came home and had a bowl of Lucky Charms. Then I had a bowl of Lucky Charms.

I was quickly learning my mouth had written a check my body couldn’t cash. My account hadn’t only been overdrawn, but my body bank took my mouth credit card and cut it up right in front of me. It was pretty embarrassing.

After going through all that aggravation, my account was closed and there was nothing left to do but pass out and drool.

At about 10 pm, a friend lightly knocked on my door to make sure I was ok. I tripped out and assured him I was, thanked him for his concern and really did appreciate the sentiment.

At about 1 am, a different friend stopped by, yelled my name for 5 minutes, banged on my windows then knocked down my fence.

“Mayo! Breakfast!! Come on!! (Bang! Kapow! Shaboom!)”

(In his defense, you really don’t have to do much for my fence to fall down. You can pretty much just lean on it or give it a dirty look. I designed it to be removed easily and make people feel bad when they push on it.)

His persistence impressed me. Each time I thought he had left, he’d bang on a different window. After realizing how many windows I have, I shuffled out of bed to greet him.

Mayo: Ugh.

Friend: I think I broke your fence.

Mayo: Ugh.

Friend: Come on, we’re having breakfast.

Mayo: (Cocks mind pistol) Ugh. Something something. (closes one eye, takes aim)

Friend: You’re not coming?

Mayo: Ugh. (searches mind for the right words) Ugh. (shakes head)

Friend: Ok well I just thought I’d stop by and break your fence. (He didn’t really say that, but that’s what I heard.)

I thanked him for stopping by and really did appreciate the sentiment. After all, I had put the wheels in motion on this thing then jumped out of the driver’s seat. It was nice to see someone had taken the wheel and was driving the bus (through my fence).

I wasn’t really mad at all. As I laid in bed, I could only think of how great it was that this was happening. 1 am breakfasts aren’t exactly a rarity around here and happened long before I arrived. And the thing is I’ve met about 2 people who are still around the clubhouse in the early hours of the morning that aren’t interested in jamming a pound of hash browns into their faces.

So it occurs to me we need a club. More to the point, a “Breakfast Club.”

This club might have existed before and even called “The Breakfast Club.” I don’t know. If it had, it’s time to start it up again.

All you really need to gain membership into this club is an interest in putting eggs, cheese and sausage between two biscuit halves (you will be tested). You have to be awake, willing to help with dishes, perhaps toss a modest amount of cash in for food and you can’t break my things. (Unless you are the host.  Apparently, the host gets to come to my house and break stuff. I learned that last night. )

I can only imagine the good time I missed. I’ll admit to lying there with dances of butter in my head, and I did almost get up to partake in the fun, but I’m super lazy. Anyway, I bet it was awesome.

I’ve got a big day planned today. It’s officially “Stupid guy things” day in the park. I’ve never participated in one (or at least an official one). I don’t know what the exact plan is, but I’ll do my part. I made a cool hat out of fireworks, sharpened a bunch of sticks for stick wars (and other sharp-stick related events), made a tank out of a refrigerator box, 2 skateboards and a rifle, and of course, I put together a nice chicken salad with walnuts and a to-die-for balsamic vinaigrette. I hope they like it.

For those of you searching on Google for the movie “The Breakfast Club” and just read a story about naked people eating eggs, ha ha.